Trying to Learn to Be Vulnerable.

I was thinking.....and my thought led to writing to all the people I care about, my true feelings. Not feelings of anger or regret, not feelings of what one could of done but didn't, or of what I could of done but didn't. I want to tell each and every person how much they mean to me, how they have positively affected my life. I want to thank them for all they have done, all they have given, and what truly wonderful people they are.

And as I sit to deliberate such thoughts, my mind draws a blank. I am fearful of sharing such strong feelings with the ones I love and care for and I don't know why, it is silly. I should be joyous in my writings; I should feel good about expressing my feeling in such a positive light. But no, I just feel anxious, I feel naked, I feel exposed....vulnerable. 

Vulnerability....is such a word to speak, how scary it is to be, but how enlighten one will be when one can finely become vulnerable.   

When I decided to go on this journey of sexual self-expression, I did not think that it would lead me on an emotional/spiritual journey as well. I did not start off with the idea of sex leading to the deeper emotional being that I am. But it has, which is good, but exhausting at the same time.

For me to grow I need to be vulnerable, and if I need to share with the ones I care about my true feeling to become vulnerable then I shall do it. Though it will not be easy, but what in life is easy that is worthwhile? 

Men!

I went on a kinda date last week, we went out as friends. Well at least that is what I told him.

So the story goes.

A guy I met before J has been trying to get me to date him. He knows about J, he knows about TTWD though he is vanilla. Now J and I are at an odd place, a cross roads per say. Neither of us knows where it will go, and how much longer it will last. Uncertainty is not a friend of mine, but I have to take it as it goes.

I had discussed my going out with him with J; I had made him aware that we did have sex. I assured him that sex or anything else for that matter would NOT go on. I also made it clear to other guy (we will call him V) that I was not looking to sleep with him, or anything more than just a hug and good conversation.

I was excited to be going out with him, I enjoy talking with him and yes there was flirting, but it was made clear that nothing was going to come of it. We had a good time, we talked, flirted  in a fun way and any time the flirting lead into doing more than that, I quickly reminded him that NOTHING more was going to happen. I reminded him that I am with J, for now. He accepted that.

Now here comes the But!

He walked me to my car, and we hugged...but Nooo!!! A hug was not good enough; he had to try for more. He proceeded to gently pull my hair, in hopes I would give in, I pulled away, he pulled me back to him and as doing so he grabbed my ass. I pulled away again and proceeded to walk to my car. He came behind me wanting one more hug, buttt. Noooo!!! He put his hand in my most privet place. I corrected him and once again said "NOTHING more is going to happen". He quickly apologized, and then we said goodbyes.

I was truly hoping he would be a gentleman and respect my wishes. I did not lead him on; I was very clear in what my intentions were.

I cried on the way home, wondering why. Did I do this to myself?  I did sleep with him in the past, and I am very sexual. I am very open about who I am (maybe to open). But with that said, does that mean I am free territory. Though I ask for him to respect me and NOT try anything.

I emailed him when I got home to say that I was safe, and thanked him for dinner and drinks. He emailed me the next day, and I ignored it.

I did talk to J about it; he gave me a bit of man perspective, not justifying how he acted but to enlighten me on the why. He told me that if he was a true man, he would have not tried anything. I asked if "true men" even existed. Of course he put himself as an example.   

I did email V a couple days later, after I ignored a few of his. I told him how he made me feel, that I felt I did not ask for it. He apologized, agreeing that he got out of hand, he asked me for a second chance. I agreed, and I don't know why.

I just want to have faith that there are gentlemen still out there. I still want to hold on to hope. I want think that when one says they care, that they will give the other the respect they deserve.

I want to believe! Kinda of like Santa Clause, if you truly believe, then he does exist. Ha ha!! We all know how that story goes. 

What is Submission and What is it Not?

What is submission and what it is not? That is the question.

I am new at this, I have been discovering this type of relationship and what it is to be submissive for just a little over a year.

Maybe I am not the type, maybe I am, maybe I look to much into things instead of taking them for what they are. I don't know..

I truly do want to be in a power exchange relationship. I like the way it makes me feel to take care of a man. (though that sentence makes me cringe). I fight with two important sides of me. My need for freedom, and my need to be caged. I also need to love and feel love, for my emotional well being and my essence that makes me, me.

I thought with my first Dom that I could give him all of me with nothing in return, it was nice at first but then I felt myself slipping, falling down a steep hill and losing me, my essence.After he ended it I fell even deeper down, I felt used, I felt like dirt, worthless...he took so much of me.... not even realizing what he had done.

At first I accepted my place, I accepted that he had every right to end it the way he did. I accepted the fact that I deserved nothing more from him, for I agreed upon being nothing but a toy. But a fire was brewing inside of me, a hurt so intense it burned from the inside out
. I grew angry, not just at him but at myself . My self worth was at a Zero. I started hating myself, how could I allow myself to treated in such a way? How could I put so little worth in who I am?

What is submission and what is it not?

I am struggling with that question. I am struggling, because I don't know the answer. I look here and I look there, but I can't seem to find what I am looking for. I can't seem to find the answer that makes senses to me. It seems to be nonsense with in nonsense But once it all made sense, it made perfect sense. And I keep looking for that, for the sense that would make it all clear again.

I am not sure if I will find that again, I am not sure where I should be. But I do know I don't want a repeat of first D/s relationship. I want to be more than a toy, I want a deeper connection, I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to be adored, and I want to adore. I want to be good to a good man, I want him to feel my love and gratitude, I want to give him; me, all of me. I want to do for him, I want to make him happy above all else (but my children, there be not a person in the whole wide world that would ever, ever, ever be first. Ever!!) I want him to know that his happiness is my happiness. But I would need him to respect me, care for me, love me, and cherish me.


Not sure if that makes me submissive, or just another hopeless romantic.
 

Tongue in Cheek, Awareness Of...Oh Fuck I Forgot

I think I stopped growing, emotionally that is.

Since I started this submissive journey, I have had a lot of emotional growth. It has been hard at times. I had to admit to myself some of weakness, I had to look deeper into my ugly, I had to accept me in all my glory, good and bad.

Maybe it is time for reflection, maybe I need to stop growing. Emotionally that is.

I have said in past post that I do not want to do this anymore, I don't want the kinky sex, I don't want to be submissive. I want my control, I want all of it, I want to rule my own little world. I want to tell men in my life what to do, and how to do it. I want to be worshiped. Bowed down to, and I want a big giant pedestal to sit upon, as I give orders.

That sounds good right about now.

But in all honesty it seems like a lot of work. Do that, do this, NO!!! NO!!! You’re not doing it wrong and I would take over and just do it myself. Because this is my world and I am always right!

It can be kind of exhausting, being always right. I should know, because I am always right in a wrong sort of way.

It is now sounding like to much work for me.

I do respect a true Dom/ Domme, it has to be a lot of work to keep a sub on one's toes. Keep one in one's place, keep one motivated, keep one growing, and constantly thinking of new ways to do so. Taking care of one’s neediness (I am not saying that in a negative way). And making sure one's emotional needs are being met, being taken care of, and most of all challenging the submissive so she can grow.

Waaay…. too much work! 

Maybe I will just take a respite, come back to it a little later when I am more aware, and ready to grow a little more, emotionally that is.