December 3, 2013

What is Submission and What is it Not?

What is submission and what it is not? That is the question.

I am new at this, I have been discovering this type of relationship and what it is to be submissive for just a little over a year.

Maybe I am not the type, maybe I am, maybe I look to much into things instead of taking them for what they are. I don't know..

I truly do want to be in a power exchange relationship. I like the way it makes me feel to take care of a man. (though that sentence makes me cringe). I fight with two important sides of me. My need for freedom, and my need to be caged. I also need to love and feel love, for my emotional well being and my essence that makes me, me.

I thought with my first Dom that I could give him all of me with nothing in return, it was nice at first but then I felt myself slipping, falling down a steep hill and losing me, my essence.After he ended it I fell even deeper down, I felt used, I felt like dirt, worthless...he took so much of me.... not even realizing what he had done.

At first I accepted my place, I accepted that he had every right to end it the way he did. I accepted the fact that I deserved nothing more from him, for I agreed upon being nothing but a toy. But a fire was brewing inside of me, a hurt so intense it burned from the inside out
. I grew angry, not just at him but at myself . My self worth was at a Zero. I started hating myself, how could I allow myself to treated in such a way? How could I put so little worth in who I am?

What is submission and what is it not?

I am struggling with that question. I am struggling, because I don't know the answer. I look here and I look there, but I can't seem to find what I am looking for. I can't seem to find the answer that makes senses to me. It seems to be nonsense with in nonsense But once it all made sense, it made perfect sense. And I keep looking for that, for the sense that would make it all clear again.

I am not sure if I will find that again, I am not sure where I should be. But I do know I don't want a repeat of first D/s relationship. I want to be more than a toy, I want a deeper connection, I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to be adored, and I want to adore. I want to be good to a good man, I want him to feel my love and gratitude, I want to give him; me, all of me. I want to do for him, I want to make him happy above all else (but my children, there be not a person in the whole wide world that would ever, ever, ever be first. Ever!!) I want him to know that his happiness is my happiness. But I would need him to respect me, care for me, love me, and cherish me.

Not sure if that makes me submissive, or just another hopeless romantic.


  1. i could never be in a D/s relationship if i didn't first feel loved and cherished. And that does not make you just another hopeless romantic. it makes you a little smarter. more discerning. and the next reltaionship you have will be better becos you know a little more now than you did before. *hugs* and blessings!

    1. Thank you so much Fondles, I really needed to hear that.

      *hugs* back

  2. oh definitely what Fondles said...and you know submission really i think is how you want it to can take many shapes and forms.


    1. It is one of those things I know, but don't really know, if that makes any sense. I am so new to this, and it just seems to get more confusing as I learn more.

      Thank you tori for the reinforcement, it seems to be something I need.

  3. Most of the blogs and such that I read online say their D loves them, so I think that's rather common. Some go so far as to say that it's supposed to be that way. It's up to what the people involved want/feel. But I know it doesn't make you less submissive to want a D who loves you. Why would it be only right if you gave so much of yourself to someone who doesn't care about you? For that matter, if he doesn't care, how can he be trusted? Master gets frustrated with me sometimes that I don't trust him fully, but I have good reason. First, in the past he has been very pushy about some things that aren't ok with me, so for example, can I trust him not to do them if I'm tied up? Second, I don't know for sure if he really cares about me. So things can only go so far. I'm not about to destroy myself for someone's pleasure when I can't count on him to be around for me afterward.

    1. I think sometimes the lines are so fine, and that is part of my struggle. With first Dom, it was confusing for me. I trusted him as far as tying me up or causing me physical pain but I did not trust him when it came to my emotionell well being, yet I allowed it. I thought that was what it meant to be submissive. So now I question what is it that makes one submissive with in this life style. And where do the fine lines cross.

      Thank you Tiklish for your thoughts on this topic. I truly appreciate hearing from others and their thoughts on any given topic....always learning.