I am new at this, I have been discovering this type of relationship and what it is to be submissive for just a little over a year.
Maybe I am not the type, maybe I am, maybe I look to much into things instead of taking them for what they are. I don't know..
I truly do want to be in a power exchange relationship. I like the way it makes me feel to take care of a man. (though that sentence makes me cringe). I fight with two important sides of me. My need for freedom, and my need to be caged. I also need to love and feel love, for my emotional well being and my essence that makes me, me.
I thought with my first Dom that I could give him all of me with nothing in return, it was nice at first but then I felt myself slipping, falling down a steep hill and losing me, my essence.After he ended it I fell even deeper down, I felt used, I felt like dirt, worthless...he took so much of me.... not even realizing what he had done.
At first I accepted my place, I accepted that he had every right to end it the way he did. I accepted the fact that I deserved nothing more from him, for I agreed upon being nothing but a toy. But a fire was brewing inside of me, a hurt so intense it burned from the inside out
. I grew angry, not just at him but at myself . My self worth was at a Zero. I started hating myself, how could I allow myself to treated in such a way? How could I put so little worth in who I am?
What is submission and what is it not?
I am struggling with that question. I am struggling, because I don't know the answer. I look here and I look there, but I can't seem to find what I am looking for. I can't seem to find the answer that makes senses to me. It seems to be nonsense with in nonsense But once it all made sense, it made perfect sense. And I keep looking for that, for the sense that would make it all clear again.
I am not sure if I will find that again, I am not sure where I should be. But I do know I don't want a repeat of first D/s relationship. I want to be more than a toy, I want a deeper connection, I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to be adored, and I want to adore. I want to be good to a good man, I want him to feel my love and gratitude, I want to give him; me, all of me. I want to do for him, I want to make him happy above all else (but my children, there be not a person in the whole wide world that would ever, ever, ever be first. Ever!!) I want him to know that his happiness is my happiness. But I would need him to respect me, care for me, love me, and cherish me.
Not sure if that makes me submissive, or just another hopeless romantic.