I think I am getting a hang of this! Of course as soon as I
think I am getting a hang of something, somehow another thing will trip me up.
So far good, I will stick with the positive and allow no negative. Must be a
positive experience or else I will give up before I begin. Now I will need to start thinking of what to
write about. There is so much but where to begin, a sputter of thoughts in the
mind of a lost soul. I guess I will start with the beginning of my fascination
with the BDSM lifestyle.
I have always
had a darker sense of myself, hidden inside a shy, somewhat awkward girl.
Growing up in a single household, my mother was very strong willed and
instilled in her girls a sense of independence. To never depend on anyone, to
stand alone, to be strong without tears, and most of all never ever show any
weakness to anyone, ever! With that said, I have always been ashamed of my
thoughts of wanting to belong, to be someone else property.
I never
fantasized about the white knight, or prince charming. Always my dream guy was
somewhat dark, seductive, cruel, yet underneath it all kind, giving and
protective. I needed him as well as he needed me for my kindness and servitude
my willingness to give and be what he willed. That thought process goes against
everything I was taught as a child by my mother. I know my mother meant well, I
know my mother only wants the best for her girls as I do with mine. But it made
me ashamed of myself, thinking I was weak minded, feeling of worthlessness, for
just being me.
As I got older, I
became very protective of myself, starting building walls around my emotions, never
allowing anyone in. That included my relationships with friends as well as
potential boyfriends. I had close girlfriends; I was always there for them. But
rarely would I share my feeling, always being the strong one, the untouchable
one. So when I would fall emotionally I would push all around me away, as mom
said "never ever show any weakness to anyone, ever!" I listened well. A very obedient child I was
indeed.
I have not been
in many long term relationships do to the walls. I chased guys away that showed
interest in me, and the jerks... I used before they could use me. My fantasies
were my main way of getting off, per say.
Very rarely, if at all I could I find a man that would
satisfy my needs. Can't say I made it easy. What I truly wanted I could never
admit to out loud. To admit to someone my desires would cause heart failure,
especially a lover.
I experiment more
in my early 20s, finding assorted lovers none that made much of an impression
on me. None that I could express myself to without feeling judged... at least
that is what I thought. Now looking back on it I am sure there were one or two I
could have been more open with and maybe they could of gave me what I wanted.
But then I would have to admit to myself who I truly was, admit my true
essence, and that went against every grain of how I was brought up.
Life went on,
one disappointment after another. Hiding my true self... I was living in my fantasy world. Then I met
the one, my love. How I wanted to give him the world.... just to submit to his
desires, to be all his and no one else. But of course I played the hard ass role,
I became very good at it, too good. I did give him the best I could, I ask more
of him then I did anyone else. He was giving and loving... I was lucky so I
thought. But I fell in love with an alcoholic and drug addict. He was never
physically abusive to me, but the ups and downs of an alcoholic/drug addict are
abusive enough, all on their own.
I was so in love,
and as loyal to him... as it is my nature to be. That I stayed with him till
his death, and then my world changed.
Took me six years
to come to terms with his death, six years to heal, six years to redefine
myself, I took the time to look deep into what I wanted, what I needed. To re
adjust my behaviors, to ask myself the important questions, to become
"ME" the true me, not the one created by circumstances or by the so
called "Norm". I was slowly coming out of my shell but still hiding
from the world. Around the six year anniversary of his death I decided to put me
back out there, and that is what girl did... what a ride. I was able to experiment
without guilt, what a freeing feeling to finally be me, the true me.
I have learned
quite a bit about myself with in the last year or so. I now accept my true
submissive nature; I embrace it with wide open arms. I just needed to find
someone that was willing to grow with me, teach me, guide me... use me. And
lucky me I did or he found me, whichever way it works. Sir has been an eye
opener for me, has been wonderful thus far... everything I thought a dominant
male should be and more. He can bring me to my knees, bring me to tears, bring
me to kiss his feet, and embrace his body. I belong to him, and would have it
no other way.
