Major Cabin Fever....So I Must Complain.

So tired, tired of snow days, tired of sick kids, tired of being a taxi driver, tired of being a referee, tired of being a maid, tired of complaining....just tired, tired of being tired.

I love my children more than life itself, I would die for them, I would kill for them...I would walk to the ends of the earth for them but....... I need me time, time to have fun, time to be around other adults, time to let go of the momma persona just for a minute....Yet I know I would feel guilty. Will the mama guilt ever stop? Will I ever be able to be my own person again without feeling guilty?  Will I ever feel that I do enough, will enough ever be enough?

Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a mom; I would not change that for all the money, power, and fame in the world. I feel lucky to have my girls, and the thought of not having them, well that thought is too dreadful to allow crossing my mind. Yet still I want to feel somewhat human and less like a.....I don't know a good word for what I feel, maybe kind of like an extension of my children with no identity of my own, Yes! That is how I feel.

It has been quite a while since I have had a kid free day; other than when they are at school but that time is spent cleaning, laundry, dishes, and it seems no matter how much I do that I will never catch up, no matter how much I do it will never be enough.... so I give up and do some things I enjoy like writing post for this blog, art, and the worse guilty pleasure is wasting time on Facebook playing stupid games just for an escape from the mundane chores of everyday life, and the chaos of three girls constantly fighting...fight about this, fight about that, fight! fight! fight! Ughh....

Did I mention the guilt for doing anything other than my motherly duties...so sick of the guilt, so tired of being tired?

I Have Some Questions for Life...

I have some questions for life, in honor of questions and answers month.

I wonder what makes humans do what they do, why we are so much alike, but can never see eye to eye.

Are we destined by nature, is that what defines us? Are we defined by a greater cause beyond our belief? Are we defined by a higher power that dictates how we should live? Or are we defined by our own choices?

I am confounded by the brain and all of its networks, connecting one emotion to the other, one action to another. Are we bound by the chemicals released from the brain, from the body, back to the mind? Are we slaves to what the brain dictates? Or is the soul our center? Do we even have a soul or is a myth to build upon the ego and makes us think we are unique? Are we truly unique? Or are we the same, in different bodies, different cultures, different but yet so much alike beliefs?

What makes one smarter than another? Is the smartest in the class truly the smartest? Or is it the one who offers strength, the one that offers creativity, the one that offers perspective, or maybe it is the one that defies authority, defies convention? Are they the smartest? Or is it our combined intelligence that makes the world work?

How is it that one person's worth is more than another? Is a man that cleans the filth from the dirty streets less a man then the one that sits upon a hill in luxury? Why do we worship the wealthy and unkind; yet look down upon the poor and helpless? Why is it so hard for some to be humane, to empathize with others pain? Why is it so easy for some to sit upon a pedestal and judge others for their reality, and unable to see what is wrong with their reality?

And the biggest question for life is why the hell can I not sleep at night?


 

Orgasm

Orgasm are something I have had trouble with for as long as I have been sexual active....and I love sex, I love the way it feels, I love the closeness and I love to make the man I am with cum...Love, love, love it…and that is where I get off, yet my lack of being able to orgasm has been the frustration of my past lovers.

One of the things I discussed with Jay when we first started talking was for him to not get offended by the fact that I do not orgasm easily, that I derived my pleasure from his pleasure. He accepted that fact about me, though I think there were times when it bothered him.

As time has gone by with him, as I have learned I can let go around him and not feel so self-conscious. With him allowing me to let go when I am on top, to move the way that feels best for me, and with in all of that I have been able to orgasm, truly have an orgasm, the ones that make you feel all gooey after.... also helps that his cock hits the happy spot so perfectly.

He has asked what has changed? I simply said "I am comfortable with you, and your cock hits my happy spot", but it is more than that. I feel a comfort with him that I have never felt with anyone before. He has open doors for me that have never been open before, he has been vulnerable around me, I feel free when I am with him, I do not feel judged, I never feel as if he would demean me (at least outside the bedroom). He is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt this comfortable sexually with a man before. I am amazed by him.

At times I want a more full time thing; at times I want him to ask more of me, as his submissive. I want him to have more control over me; I think I would thrive with him having more control over me, yet that is not plausible and there is still so much uncertainty with us.

I Think I May Be On to Something.

As I was driving my girls to school today, I had a rush of ideas filling my head as to good topics to write about today.

I put my hand  upon the keyboard, I postions my fingers to proper letters but as soon as I move my fingers to form a sentence my mind draws a blank...not that the thoughts are gone, just the thoughts are muddled and I can't seem to make sense of what I want to say, though while driving in the car it all made sense, perfect sense.

I think the topics are good, the topics range from emotional masochism, to writing about why I feel I need to be controlled, to why I need to be controlled.

They seem to be good topics, they seem to be proper topics for this blog, yet I can not form a thought to convey the way I feel.

 Oh wait!!!I feel a topic coming on.......now it is gone, though I do know it was a good one, something on the lines of fighting with admitting I am submissive and admitting I need to be submissive to feel some sort of balance.

Hey!

That may be the problem with my writing, I need to be submissive to wright as a submissive and well, it is hard to be submissive to a Dom who has no desire to dominate outside of the bedroom.

Ha! Lookie now!

I am feeling a good topic coming on, now I must ponder on it, and hopefully come back to write down my thoughts with more clarity.