A Submissive's Second Thoughts

Oh hell! I think I forgot how to write.

Thoughts come and go like a flash of light. As soon as I think I have something worth writing about I forget how I wanted to present the topic. As soon as I make sense of the chaos in my head, and I think I have it all figured out; I find all the confusion has just come back but through the back door, out one, in an other.

I will just jump in it, and see what comes out....hopefully it will all make sense once put into words.

I have been thinking a lot about being submissive and what that means to me, and how it has evolved through my relationships with Dominant men.  

I am not sure if I want to venture any deeper into my submissive. I find it exhausting, and cumbersome. The journey has proven difficult and has left me with a lot of fears. I do know anything worthwhile is not easy, but accepting this aspect of me has been heart wrenching and very lonely. As much as I want to set myself free, and just be me, I don't think I can. I just can't seem to find the strength with in me. My inner essence is too fragile, and finding the strength to protect that with in me is not as easy as I anticipated. 

With my first Dom, he said "to be submissive is showing strength". I did not understand fully what he meant, I thought to myself "how is it strength, to be just who you are", Easy! Right? Now I know. It takes tremendous courage and strength. Lesson learned.

At first when I entered this TTWD (which was not so long ago), I felt a sort of freedom. I felt like I found my place in the world, I found me, true me, and most of all I found acceptance. But acceptance has faded, my place has changed as tides change. And I know longer know what it is I seek.  

My relationship with J still stands, it is stangmented though; I do not see it lasting much longer. I care deeply for him but I know a losing battle when I see one, and this is that.I don't think my next relationship will be with a Dom type. 

Maybe tomorrow I will feel different about where I am at, but as of now this is how I feel. Maybe tomorrow I will find the courage to carry on with this submissive journey, but as of now; I am too worn out, I am too torn.

     

Focusing on No Focus

I have no focus, and I take meds for that...seems I may need to up, and I truly do not want to but I also want to be able to read other blogs all the way through instead of just skimming through and getting confused. I would like to finish a post, instead writing, deleting and rewriting again, over and over and getting nothing written at all, or a scramble of mix up topics (ok I do that one regardless). I would love to start a task and finish that task, instead of having a lot of nothing done. My house is a upside down, topsy turvy, nothing right, mix of clean, unclean...did I feed the dog today, I think I did, the kids are getting home soon...shit!!! and again I got nothing done.

Oh well! There is always tomorrow

And I did manage a post :)

Could Be The End, Could Be the Beginning.

I finally got the clarity I was looking for from J, having that clarity has left me in a much calmer state.

There is much going on in his life, he is at a crossroads and needs to make some choices. I happen to be one of the choices. I am not yet sure how this makes me feel. I am trying to be level headed, and not think too deeply into it.

I have asked him if he would like me to walk away from our relationship, just bow out. I do not want to make things more difficult for him. He said he is not there yet, if I wanted to walk away that he would not blame me but he is not ready to let me go, and I am not ready to let him go either.

He stopped by Friday; we had much needed cuddle and nookie time. It was nice; I missed the closeness that we share together. I missed him madly.

Since then he has been keeping in touch with me more consistently than he has in a while. I like it; it gives me that sense of security that I need to keep me level. I like this contention I feel, and I don't want to start with my  what ifs, and where it may or may not go. I just want to enjoy whatever amount of time I will have with him.

I don't know if that makes me foolish and stupid, to stay with someone who is unsure if he wants to stay with me. And if it was anyone else, goodbye would have been said a few weeks back. But it is him and for some reason not yet apparent to me, I don't want to let him go till he is ready. That whomever he chooses to be in his life, I just want him happy, even if happiness is without me.

I am calm even with the knowledge of knowing that our relationship may end sooner than later.

Or maybe

We will grow and flourish 

       

Empty

I keep on walking down the same path, and yet I am still quite surprised to where it leads. I am hell bent on repeating the same scenario over and over again. I can't seem to learn the lesson, and I am lost in how to do so.

I hate the pain.

I hate feeling this way.

I wish it was just all over, so I could move on, so I don't have to suffer the uncertainty any more.

I want to be numb, I want to not feel, I want to just move, I want to be like a robot. Just to get by each day and take care of what needs to be done. I want to be empty, I want my soul to hide deep down inside me. I want to only care for my girls and nobody else, just my angels. I want to let go of my sorrow, I want no more of my pity parties. I am tired of feeling, even happiness, because happiness always leads to sorrow, and sorrow leads to pain.

I want to be numb, I know longer want to feel.