January 10, 2013

Accepting that I Am a Pain Slut.

I need and want to write a post on masochism, it has been one part of me that I have a hard time accepting. I try to put it aside in my mind, but my thoughts keep going to it. I realize that is a very big part of my sexuality, it has been with me for as long as I can remember, even as a child...than  more as I hit puberty.

Often I try to find a reason behind it, maybe it was the something that happened when I was young, though I highly doubt it; not all girls that were introduced to sex act at a young age become masochistic. Maybe it was because of my parents’ divorce at a young age, though I doubt that to, I was too young to know the difference. And again, I am not the only child to have gone through a divorce. So many questions I have asked myself and the answer all come up blank.
  
Now the part where I accept me for me; I enjoy pain, I enjoy humiliation in the right circumstances (that one needs to be played with carefully),  it turns me on, makes me wet, makes me weak in the knees, takes me away, then pulls me back...I get tremendous satisfaction from pain/humiliation. 

I tend to like a lot of it, and sometimes that scares me, sometimes I fear I will push one to far...for some reason when I am in that head space, I can be quite aggressive, and ask for more and more and more. Luckily thus far I have ether come across men that could not go that far, or even close (I would get disappointed, and I let it be known), and I was also very lucky with Sir, he was able to not let it escalate to a point of no return, but still leave me satisfied.

It is hard for me to say, to admit how much I like/love- pain/humiliation.
It is even harder to ask, to find someone to accept me, without being scared out their mind (the wtf look) 
It is hard for me to even write down, what I like, even to people I don't know.

It is nice to find an accepting community in blog land, where I don't feel as judged... (And know most of my feelings of being judged are based on my own insecurities with admitting my kink). It is comforting with the openness in which others express themselves, with such honesty, such beauty in thought.

I am in hopes that I can do that as well, I know  it will be hard, but I feel it might be worth the journey.









8 comments:

  1. I struggle with my masochism at times, i have thought too much about why i struggle but mostly why i am the way i am...i have no answers.

    I do wander if its partly because its indoctrinated into us by society that pain is not something that is sought out let alone enjoyed, men shouldnt hit women etc.....

    I also worry about how far i will go, i trust my Master completley and although he pushes me (i get off on being pushed) its never beyond what i really cant cope with...but as the years go by its getting further and further and im scared...when is enough enough?

    Humiliation i love, and thats a whole other issue i have that i enjoy being treated in a degrading manner, the more degrading it is the more it turns me on.

    Mostly though i try to accept that as long as its something we both enjoy and its not affecting anyone else then i try to embrace it.

    x

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    1. I never thought of it that way, as far as how society sees it, and i could only imagine it is even worse for our dear sadist.

      I am the same with humiliation; I have fantasized about it allot but not till recently actually allowed it to happen. I loved it, it is a whole different level of Wow! and What! nothing like pain, very different and even harder to explain.

      But, the big but...it is scary if the trust, and commitment is not there. Emotional pain in 10 times worse then physical at least for me. So it is a game i can not play lightly or play with just anyone.

      It is nice that you have a Master that you can explore with and trust, that is hard to find indeed.

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  2. Hi, I enjoyed reading your text. I am a Master, and I am in a relationship with a girl who is masochist. She complains though of me not going far enough. It is a difficult equilibrium to find, as she stays with me because she feels safe, but i feels that if I would stop being a sadist, she would leave me. Masochism is stronger than love...

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    1. Thank you Louis, I am glad you enjoyed reading this.

      I don't think she would leave you, as strong of desire pain can be I feel it is more than just that. Receiving pain from someone that there is no connection to is pretty much pointless as far as i am concerned. There to me is a feed between sadist and masochist, and for that to be true there needs to be a connection...that connection can only build more with time and trust, and growing together. It becomes more intense as the two get to read each other better. If it is rushed and trust is broken then that is when the fear of an ending is near.

      And nothing to me is stronger than love, not even my need for pain.

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  3. You are very lucky to have found someone genuine in the lifestyle. Whether I was living in a large city with or without an active BDSM community it was very difficult to find someone real that wasn't a scam artist. In fact I'm still looking for that illusive combo of lifestyle and vanilla qualities that I'm looking for. Congrats on your relationship. Savor it.

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    1. Thank you Tim, though the Dom I wrote about in this post I am no longer seeing. I can say that I have learned tons through him, and only hope he feels the same as I.

      It is hard but I think it may be even harder for men to find a submissive,and even harder for men to find a Domme.

      I do wish you luck in your search, and when you do find the right one I hope you are able to savor every tasty bit.

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    2. Well said! I sometimes have trouble coming to terms with how much I crave my submission and everything that comes with it. The pain, the humiliation, all of it. Maybe growing up in a very feminist, girl power world has made it harder. In the end though, I know my deeply ingrained need for pain and submission will always win out :)

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    3. I still am having the hardest time accepting it for what it is. I hope one day I can just let it go and accept what I truly am inside.

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