July 1, 2013


Time seems to move slow in grief, but fast in happiness...how funny is time?

I tried to break up with my new Dom (I will call him J), luckily it did not work. He took it upon his self to  ask questions as to why I felt the way I did, and I am happy he did.

Why? So many reasons why.I am afraid of getting hurt, knowing that my feeling for him are deepening, afraid he feels the same and that means thing may change, and change is scary. I don't know how to be with someone other than my girls. I have been doing it myself forever, even when my girls father was alive. I only know how to do it my way, I have never had to compromise. It has always been my girls and I, we are a strong unit, we need to be. The thought of anything threatening that scares me. And what scares me even more is the thought of inviting someone into our lives and having them walk away, well that is unbearable. I do know my childrens father did not walk out of our lives, he made bad choices, and he paid dearly for them but we did as well, and it is hard not to feel that he did indeed abounded us...and it sucks because I can't tell him so.

This is a bad time of year for me, it always sneaks up...always, just like the day he died. I am left with memories, some good, some bad, they flash before me...emotions come creeping in, and at first I don't realize why. Then I see myself regressing, going back, trying to make something out of nothing so I have a reason to cry, because I am not allowed to cry. Eight years have already gone by; it is time to toughen up, time to let go, but truth is I never will. And he understands, and he is not afraid of my emotion, he understands that love does not die, just because one is not alive.

I am afraid, he seems to really care, but I fear it might just be lust. Lust is fleeting, it is only a moment in time. I have been there enough, I have seen it, I have felt how it feels for one to put so much energy into you then the energy fades, lust burns out quickly and ignites too easily...it is too intense too fast, too much and I wear my heart on my sleeve.    

Once again overrun by my emotions, I suppose I should just accept it for what it is, it is a part of me just like my submissive. It is just who I am.

Candlebox "Far Behind"  is the best way to describe what it is to lose someone due to drug overdose, at least for me.


  1. write a list. things that show his love for you and things that show he's just lusting after you.

    Sometimes the fear itself is more paralysing than what we think we fear.


    1. Thank you Fondles that is great advice, I will definitely do that.

  2. It's hard to take a chance, but if you don't you'll be left with the "what if's?"

    1. Very true Yearning, it is the battling between "hurt" and the "what ifs"