July 4, 2013

Boom!!! and I am Still Here.

  Boom! Boom, Boom, Boom!!! Can't say the fourth is one of my favorite holidays, I find it all quite annoying but I think is safe to say I am finding everything quite annoying as of late.

I've been thinking, and well, thinking leads to more thinking, and I think I over thought almost every thought. Conclusion is this.

I don't want to do this anymore, I am bored, and it is becoming the same thing but with different men and the thrill has run its course. I think I want to jump out of an air-o-plane, I want to climb rocks, go on a long hike that takes all day, maybe even into the night, go out west, see the big sequoias, maybe a trip to Yellowstone, Yosemite....so much to see, but NO!! I am stuck in this box, this little bitty box that is getting smaller every day. This is not how I thought life would be when I was a little girl fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult. No, no...This is all wrong.

My plans were to have my family, buy a VW van, you know like the ones from the 60s, and travel from state to state, maybe make it up to Canada even if I dare venture all the way to Alaska. How would one found this journey? I would become a mad, passionate artist, and of course sell them on my journey, that would do, we would not need too much, just food, gas, clothes.... my children would live free, we would not be bound by anything...no tether to hold us in one place for too long. We would go wherever the road would lead, and if the road would come to an end, well I guess we would make our own road. 

Far Fetched...as dreams always are, one grows, reality strakes,  living in same old town, with the same old faces year after year, yearning to be anywhere but there. One searches for freedom, and ends up lost and lonely, finding only strange faces, and people who say they are a friend but they are not, and by the time one realizes it, it's too late. Oh, then there is love, how foolish love is...good god, love makes you as stupid as they come. And then the box is all around you, it is big at first, you can move around pretty freely...you get comfortable, you feel safe, but that is just a false sense of security, it temporary.

Boom! Boom, Boom, Boom!!! Life comes crashing down, all dreams diminish, and the box is getting smaller.

Time is moving faster; one is tethered, and bound...No VW van to ride cross country and beyond. Nope! Same old faces, same old town, a house with four walls, with rooms that have four wall to, boxes, boxes and more boxes to live in each and every day, and the box gets smaller, and tighter... till one cannot breath any more.

I want to jump out of air-o-plane, I want to climb rocks, go on long hike that last all day, maybe even into the night, go out west, see the big sequoias, maybe a trip to Yellowstone, Yosemite, I want to leave this box, but I am bound and tethered by my own poor choices.  



  1. Anna May:

    Maybe you can't suddenly pack up your life in a VW van and go cross-country but is there something you can do to alleviate the boredom?
    Start something? (a club, an event)
    Sometimes, when I've hit what feels like dead-ends, I have started by changing something, anything, just to make a change.
    Even something as silly as changing the clothes I'm wearing :p :p :P ;o)

    Hope you managed to have a good holiday despite it all..*hugs**

    1. Thank you Bleuame, I suppose I could, little changes may be just what I need.