What do you write after being away from it for a while?
Life has gotten away from me; spring break, kids, all the
little things along the way, and to add to it major writer block.
Lately I have been thinking more, and more about being
submissive. It is a struggle to be who I feel I am, and be what I feel I should be...or what everyone wants me to be....maybe it is just what I think everybody wants me to be.
Sir Jay had a comment on the sleight of a conversation we
were having about I don't know what...but he made a reference to me being a submissive, and how
he has not met many women like me (that being a submissive outside of the bedroom
as well). I took offence, I perceived how he said it to be of a negative factor
of what feel I am, not a positive. I may be over thinking a simple comment said
during a conversion that I forget what it was about. I may be looking too much
into something that just is not. But I can't seem to shake his on the slight
insight into my submissive.
Such an insignificant comment causing so much conflict in my
head, why is it that I do this to myself, making something out of nothing?
Why is it that I continue to struggle with who I am? I
continue to fight with the demons inside, and they seem to mostly have the upper
hand....every now and then though, they will throw me a bone which leads me to think I may have won
the battle, but then I realize I still stand inside the struggle.
I can't shake the thought that being of a submissive nature
means a weakness of character. I question my own feelings inside. I am not
weak, I know I am not weak...hell I am a single mother raising three girls all
on my own, yet even with that knowledge of knowing the struggles of being a
single mother, even with the knowledge of knowing how much strength was needed
to overcome the death of my beloved, to overcome my fears of losing my mind, to
overcome being alone; I still don't feel good enough. I feel weak because I
can't do it all. I can't be the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect
friend, the perfect sister, and most of the perfect woman.
Never going to be good enough, when am I ever going to be
good enough?
One comment on the slight in a conversion I had in which I
do not remember. Just a simple insignificant comment on who I feel I am, who I am; has leaded
me to a cluster of unreasonable thoughts of who I think I should be.
How does one ever cure the over thinking mind, without drugs?
