Nothing Kinky Going On Here, But A Girl Tied Up

My thoughts have been racing about; cleaning seems to do that...

I can't seem to put my thoughts in to words, to try to sort them out... to make some coherent meaning, perspective, and understanding.

I shall write and see what the hell comes out.

I have been thinking about my self-esteem... how it is back after being lost for a while. How did I lose it in the first place?

Maybe it is I put too much in when I am with someone, and forget about me. I forget to give me what I need, I start to think I am not good enough, though I know deep down that I am. And I get mad at me, for not giving myself enough credit.

I tend to hold on to relationship longer then I should, I tend to ignore that inner voice telling me that things are not right. I start to feel bad, used, insignificant, lonely, and start seeing myself as less than. I have been here more than once but I have never look deeper into the why of it. I am stuck there.

The only way to not fall into the same pattern is to figure out the whys, I cannot blame the men I have been with, because I make the choice to be with them, and to learn I need to take accountability not to put blame on others.

I am left to ponder, left to try to understand what it is, why is it that I do not trust my inner voice?

Maybe it has to do with my past, in my past before I met my girl’s dad; I never gave much to anybody. I had a philosophy, a way, I played the game... I did not stay with anyone for more than a one night stand and if it should of lasted longer.. I had a 1, 2,.3 strikes you’re out. I had fun confusing, it was quite amusing. I did try to be more to 2 guys, both failed miserably.

When I met my girl’s father he was not going to allow that of me, he was not going to give into my game. He took me for what I was... he adored me for who I was. I never had that before, I was befuddled, scared, mesmerized, I was in aww...and I was gotten, I was his... I became an addict; he was my drug of choice.

Then I got back into the dating game after many years of being out of it. I did not want to fall back into old habits; for old habits were fun, but unfulfilling. I tried to change it up, but unfamiliar with how it works. I am naive, new, I am like a teenager trying to figure it out for the first time, figure out how it works, what to expect, how to ask for what I want. So I try not knowing how to do it. then I fall victim to the same old story, I fall victim to the same old habits.

I suppose it is a learning game, I am a bit behind on the times...I shall be patient and hope I will get a better understanding of the how's and what’s.

  

         

 

Snow Break and Where I am At.

My kiddos are on "spring" break...and spring break up north can be sunny and in the late 70s or it can be snowy and in the 20s. Well this year my kiddos got snowy and in the 30s. Watch next week it will be sunny and in the 70s. lol Gotta love this time of the year.

Can't say I will be doing a lot of writing on here for the week, they tend to take over everything, I mean everything.

Dating has been ehhh... meet up with two gentlemen on Friday, one for lunch and the other for coffee. A back to back deal. Such fun!

The one is the Substitute School Teacher, so very sweet...I think I would scare the heck  out of him if he got to know me well. Very, very vanilla, and very, very ordinary...slightly boring but super sweet. I hate this part, I hate finding a guy who is so sweet and kind, but would not have a clue on how to handle me. He would be good as far as being dependable. But I would grow bored with ease.

The second guy is a 16 year sober lawyer, a self proclaimed honest lawyer...lawyer and honesty has to be the biggest oxymoron I have ever heard (it took all of me to refrain for being a smart ass and saying that). But I must say thus far he has been super straight up. Anyone that admits that they are a recovering heron addict, takes a lot of courage... especially on the first meeting. Though I was also straight up about my girls father which left him a open door opportunity. I don't think we would work as a couple but I can see being friends. He does fascinate me... and I so do love fascinating people.

I am going to take some advice of my fellow blogger's and reopen my Fetlife account and see if I can meet more like minded people, and maybe along the way meet a man that would better suet my needs. It will be a scary process for me but I feel it may be good to add that along with my vanilla dating.       

My sweet subbie and I have been trying to find time to hook up and play, which has been hard for us to arrange, for my kiddos are on spring brake this week and his are on spring brake next week. I am looking forward to it. Little ole me Domming a big guy, that would be something for sure...and my little tease has been out in full force.

That be my update for the week, now time for me to get the kiddos to clean...oh such fun.

Dating Up Date.

I don't know what I am doing here, I am drifting more and more away from this TTWD. Finding a Dom is not easy, nor practical. I am finding going that route, that there are more jerks just wanting one thing, and it is killing me inside; I have been there more than not and I am tired of it.

Being me gets me in to trouble, (especially my sexuality)  as I have said a million time before... men like bitches, and I don't want to be that...and,  I am tired of giving more of me than anyone truly deserves, my goodness has been nothing but a curse. Maybe though, just maybe I can find someone that is able to appreciate that about me.... and all my other silliness...and not take advantage of my sexuality or not run, as far as they can, as fast as they can...because I am something else (so I have been told more than once).  

This leads to the dating game of course, I have been talking to a few seemingly nice men... I consider nice to be someone who does not bring up sex with in the first few e-mails, Good god what am I coming into. And *claps hands* they are interested in me, getting to know me...getting to know me??? Wow! I know sex will come up...but at least when it does they already know more of me... I then do not become an object that is disposable. Also I am talking to older men (not super old, 8-12 year difference) I tend to have better luck that way, I have always dated older men for the fact that they appreciate women more. They are more secure, more accepting of who they are... no pretenses. Any time I have dated men close to my age (I have never dated younger) it has never been good, in any way.

So Friday I am meeting up with a substitute school teacher in the AM, we talked on the phone (no texting or endless e-mails, actual old school talking on the phone) for over an hour, just getting to know the little things about each other. It was nice, very nice. And in the evening I will be meeting an other gentlemen, he drives for a medical equipment company (I don't know why I am putting that out there lol). Both men live super close by which is very nice.

I am talking to an artist, and musician who also writes, both of course having day jobs. One is close to my age and no kids, which tends to be difficult... though I so do love the arts. The other has kids but also close to my age.

Poly guy, we are still talking but he and his wife are taking a step back from the scene. Which is a good thing, it gives him and I a chance to build a solid friendship;  both he and I agree that is the best angle if anything was to ever become of us. And it is nice to have a friend who understands me, even the deep dark scary parts and does not runaway. 

My subie and I had a date last week, and I have not heard from him since that day... though that is typical of him and through are conversation he warned me of that, so I is not worried. He is a very sweet man that does not look subbie at all... big Italian man, deep voice... assertive in his mannerisms.... this is way one should not judge a book by its cover. I was shocked but in a pleasant way... I have a thing for bigger men, not fat...just bigger, they are more lovable (kids father was, and my teddy bear as well) also I love hugs that I can feel.

Music Form Anna.

John Legend "Ordinary People" I love this song...it came out the year the love of my life

passed, it is such a relatable song... who has not had the time in their life where they need to take a

step back from their relationship, to put things in perspective, often love comes on strong and I think

we forget  that it is a workable process...love does not come easy, relationship do not come easy.  

                       White Stripes "Seven Nation Army" kick ass song...this song gets me pumped
                                                 up and moving. Just a wow song for me.

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

Degradation.

Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs  I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.

But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.

Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?

Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF

I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.

Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.

If You Can't Defeat it Fake it.

I am excited Friday I get to meet my subbie friend to see if we will click. If not I feel we could become good friends, and I could use that more than anything else at this point in my life.

I am also going to force myself to be in a better mood, I hate my grey days they seem to happening more then my happy sunny shine days.

So if I can't defeat it I will fake it; I will feel in color, so be it yellow abundant, with streaks of orange, and maybe a dab of red for a little fire... a wave of blue for some calm, green for balance, and rainbow sparkles for a little glint and shine... why not some pink for the little girls who just wants to come out and play. Yes I will fake colors for feelings.    

Today's Music Picks.

Playing ode to the female vocal. 

I love this song, makes me cry...but also heals my soul as I feel that we all feel small 

at times, feel needy and in need of a soft place to fall.

Sia "Breath Me"

Rihanna "Under My Umbrella" Just such a wonderful catchy song.

RESPECT

Respect.. When beginning this TTWD journey with Sir, I went in blind, I dived into the water with out testing  whether it was hot or cold. I did put thought into it, I did think about the what ifs but I did not consider how important respect is to this TTWD. I did not establish a means of respect. I respected him...he was Sir, how could I not but I did not demanded his respect for me as I should of... Respect should of been one of the main building blocks before I even decided to play, even decided to trust. I did not demande it for me and the blame is mine, mine alone. One must establish ones respect early on, put out what they need/want. Show ones pride, put down ones foot and establish ones worth. I did not do it to the full capacity in which was true to me.

Feeling have been awoken once again and "Lesson" now are learned and relearned, so I do not repeat this class again. Every word that will every be spoken to me will be taken with a grain of salt, I will establish "Respect" first before anything else, and yes the wall will be firmly in place, and will be unbreakable as it always should be and should of been. 

I ended up lost in the game and forgot who I was... an easy fool. More damage ended up being done than not. My emotionell being was put aside and when I brought it out...and shit got real...ship was abounded. I can not and will not allow that to happen to me again.

Where is all of this coming from? My emotion have been on soft ground since starting this dating thing again. I tried to push them aside but they would not leave me be so I decided to dig deeper, read some poetry I have written in the past months, look over old post, and a realization came about. I realized I was pushed further then I should of been, I realize I made it all to easy for him to do, I realize, and this is the hardest of the realizations is he did not respect me enough to take any responsibility for my emotionell well being and worse of all I made excuses for it...I did not respect me enough to demanded for proper closure.


I am not angry, I am not resentful (really I am not) I am happy, I am grateful he showed me how important walls are, how important it is to be distant. Self preservation is a must because in the end it is one who has to sweep up the piece and put them back together again. This is a lesson I will not repeat again, I promise myself that. I will RESPECT me enough for if I don't than who will.

This post is an important step for me, it is necessary for me to move to the next crazy thing that will come about. It is my truth, it is not sugar coated, and I have no apologizes, for once in my life I have no apologizes.

Rebuilding.

I wrote my sexy date post, now I need to write my oh fuck what the hell am I doing, and why am I so fucking emotionell.

The past couple of weeks have been an emotionell roller coaster for me, I have been having crying out burst that have been stripping me of energy.

I don't know what I am doing, I am frighten  there is to much hurt inside me, I need to let down my guard but find every time I do I end up hurt and confused.  I want to be me but I find every time I am, I am misunderstood...put aside so easily because of me not wanting to hurt anyone, me wanting to make everyone happy even at the sacrifice of my own well being and I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to ask for help. I only know how to act as if nothing can hurt me, to put the nothing can touch me face on and it is taking its toll on me. I am falling, and fading, and don't know how to go about making me alright. I know I am the only who can take care of me, but it is getting harder to maintain... unless I shut down.

I don't want to take steps backwards, I want. I need to be soft... but life does not allow me that luxury and never has.

I always have had to be the strong one, I always have had to hold it together,  be the rock. And now I need a soft place to fall and there is no one around... so be it my life.

I am strong but even the strong need help, need somewhere soft... to feel safe, even the strong brake and need help to mend. But all I have is me, and I only know how to shut down, block everyone out...become cold and distant. Then I will become my mother. Bitter and resentful because she always had to be strong, never allowed to show weakness, neediness  never allowed to show she was soft and kind underneath the wall. I know she is, I have always long to see that side of her in full, not just a peek here and there. But I also understand why she has to be that way. And why I will be that way as well, why fight my destiny...it was set in stone long ago and now I must accept it for what it is.

So cold, hard, and distant I will have to build back up, or I will surly lose it. One can only be caring and soft for so long before the realization come to one that no one wants that of you. One can only give so much, before they deplete one of all one's self worth.

As much as I loved being submissive, to give. I realize that all I will ever be is that... nothing more, everyone I meet will take what they want and leave me empty and depleted of my being.... because that is what I do, I give.

 I will continue to date and enjoy myself, get out, have fun, I will continue to play the s/m aspect of  TTWD but I will not be anyone submissive, I will play bottom but nothing more. And my wall will build once again, it will get stronger and I will be impenetrable.

My Saturday Night Date

My second date went well with poly guy, I am going to need a better nickname...

He came over and we had some wine and just talked, it was nice, it allowed for a better comfort level. But of course talking eventually leads to a little more, and that was nice as well. I have not had that kind of intimacy since sir.

A tattoo on the back allows one with a good lead to my ass, as seeing a tattoo is there as well. As soon as he grabbed me by my hips I was butter melting to his touch...kissing my ass...good god, I miss that kind of attention (my ass is worth a little worship) and he enjoy enjoyed squeezing, slapping and grabbing, I was a very happy girl. He worked his way up to my lips; he was a wonderful kisser, passionate, almost a passion that is as strong as mine.

He then grabbed me by my ass to lift me up to grind on his oh-so hard cock ageist his rough jeans, lifting me up higher to kiss my neck, sending tingles down my spine making me even more weaker and responsive to his touch. At that point all I wanted to do was go to my knees to play with him... unzipped his pants and take out what he had for me, to put him in my mouth and taste him...lick him make him moan  then suck on his soft balls taking into my mouth sucking softly... to receive some-more soft moaning from him...licking and sucking Oooh how much I love to lick and suck.... he seemed to like it as well which makes me only go fourth and put more wonderful effort into it... and appreciate being able to do such.

He pulled me up once again to his mouth to kiss and take in.. getting his neck and down to his chest for a slight nibble on his nipple to be thrown down on the couch for him to fall on top of pressing his hardness ageist me.... then rubbing me making me moan out loud as he rubbed on my clit, then my pussy, down to my back whole... making me scream in delight, than a nice slap on my bum with a deep grab.

There was a lot of touching of my body me touching him. I love touch, not just of my privets but every part of me. When aroused it seems every caressing is intensified, like warm prickles of delight. Then he would pull me be the legs kissing my calf's working to my feet, creasing, kissing and sucking sweetly on my toes. Complete Bliss.

He has fabulous eye contact which is another thing I love, eyes show so much of a person, gives an idea of them....his eyes are deep, powerful, full of the right amount of dark to make me wet in anticipation in what he could do to me.

I ask for a slap in the face... which he happily complied to... feeding the fire of need, giving me the rush .. that only makes me want more... bringing me back up for a passionate kiss... me falling to my  knees to feed my need to please worshiping his hardness and the softness under the hardness...Me then backing up and sitting on the couch with legs spread, he eagerly rubbing me again makes me squirm and sequel in absolute delight.

The two of us just playing and feeling each other out...he tenderly touching my cheek, teasing me taking his hand up in jest to slap me again....me getting comfortable no longer anticipating for the sting across my cheek then without warning a slap bringing the fire and longing back, making me want to be completely be complaint with any demand he would throw at me. 

He then pushed me down to take his lovely hardness in my mouth as deep as I could. He took my legs to wrap around his neck slapping my ass, rubbing me kissing my legs, rubbing and kissing my feet, making me moan more. As I was enjoying the moans escaping his mouth with ever lick, every time I would take him deep. The intensity was building up even more, and then the night coming to an abrupt end as his curfew hit.

I did get a little more rubbing to make me wiggle and anticipate for the next time we would meet up.

No sex was to be had, a rule of his and his and his wife, which worked well as it was my time of the month also I like the idea of holding that aspect of it off.... it allows us to get to know more about each other by just touch, and lips to taste and get use to the newness.

My Music Picks For The Day

I love this cover of "Hurt"  may of  been written Trent Reznor but Johnny Cash made it a hunting classic. 

Talk about passion in a song... where one can almost feel the pain.

                                          My pick me up dance and grove, jumping around so much fun

                                                         song "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz.
                       

I Will Probably Piss People Off With This Post.

I was thinking of writing a post on slavery for a while, just because I have heard horror story's runny about the web. So called "doms" saying if I own you I can do anything as I please. Women abandoning their children, or worse. Working their ass off just to give it to a selfish abusing so called "dom". Prostituting for their so called "dom"...their "dom "taking away their self worth. Throwing them on the floor out of know where and choking them and when the slave acts as we all would act if one were being choked out of nowhere, we all would flee or fight it is a nature human reaction. And the so called "dom" says, you are no slave you don't trust me, and or you won't do what ever I ask for because you belong to me, so there for your life is mine.

Mind you before anyone starts to yell at me, I do realize that a true "Dom" would not do any of said above, a true "Dom" would respects his slaves hard limits, a good "Dom" would not put his slave in a position where she would feel she had to flee. I do understand that, I do...but the young women coming out don't, all they here is slave, and how much better a slave is then a sub. So then a predator sees that young doe like being...and traps her in his web...and takes her where no other sub has gone before. That makes me sad, and brings tears to my eyes. No human being should ever, ever feel that way...just to be called a slave.

I am not putting down all the healthy slave/Master relationships out there, many of the blogs I read do adhere to the Master/slave relationship...many of the women are in marriages and have started off with a good foundation. Many have educated themselves in what it is, and have talked to their Master thoroughly and their Masters respects them, and love them with out condition, that I do understand and say more power to you. And happy that one can find such an intense loving relationship.

 I just don't like the glorification of the word, I don't like the fact that to be a slave makes you better...not for any other reason then for the young naive women that come into this life style blindly, and end up living a life of misery and hell.

When I was with Sir, he did mention heading down that path and it did excite me. But I did get lost in the thoughts of the "what ifs"...there are things that are mine and mine alone...kids mine, mine, mine. House mine, mine, mine. My financial means, mine, mine, mine...my pets which I would never get rid of for anyone...mine mine mine.... my soul, my being, my essence, mineminemine... sounding a bit selfish here, I suppose I am.

Now giving of myself...I would love, taking care of, making Dom happy, I would love, being there, I would love...giving my body for him to use, it is his. But the rest is mine.

I would make a lousy slave...but I am an excellent sub, I think

And maybe my mind will change, maybe I misunderstood the word or the word is abused by the abusers and that scares me...because I am the type that takes things literally.

Here I Go ....Off, Off and Away

I am a bit happy, I met an older gentleman, a Dom...and he is from my area, which is nice to just be able to chat with someone who has been in this life style for a while, and even better someone from the area who might be able to point me in the right direction, and maybe give me a little guidance for I am in need of that for sure.

I have a date next weekend set up with Mr. Poly guy... I am looking forward to it, and slightly nervous  but I am always nervous when meeting some one, no matter how long I have known them, I still get nervous meeting up, one of the many weird little glitches.

I am having fun, and meeting so many fun and interesting men but I can't get the longing to submit out of my mind... no matter how many times I tell myself I will make a hell of a Domme... and possibly it may be my calling (no laughing) unfortunately  it does not take that longing away.

Yet I also know I need to have these experiences. I always love to learn but could never learn through books. I have to put my hands in it, need to feel it fully for myself to get the better understanding. I am a big believer in you can not judge anyone till you have walked a mile in their shoes. I have been blessed to have walked many miles in different shoes, and have many more shoes and many more miles to go. Each mile I have traveled I have had new revelations and a better understandings of other people, more empathy, and learn with each and every mile that many of my judgement were so misguided.

Here to learning, and many new adventures.....