Self Doubt

I started this blog for someone who did not care, I shared so much of me with someone who had no intentions in truly getting to know me. I continued this blog to heal, a testament to my truth; which now I question. I hold on to this blog hoping that I will find my truth, I will see though my lies... I will learn and continue the journey, and hope that I will grow.

 I am struggling with warding off self doubt.

I have such a wonderful man in my life, and that is what I wanted. I have someone who does not demand too much of my time, and that is what I need. So why do I question?

I need to find some peace of mind, some solace in side. I need to learn to take things in stride but it seems to be a constant struggle. Why do I struggle with such a simple thing? I just need to let things be, not to worry constantly about the other shoe falling when both are on securely.

I don't understand how to be secure in a relationship, I don't understand how to let the moment hold me captive, after he is gone. As soon as he walks out the door I question the meaning of it all, I am full of self doubt. I have not had anyone since my girls father show me such care and affection. It is odd to me, I am not use to this. I am constantly question if it is real, when is he going to run? Why has he not yet? Why does he stay, when I have tried? This scares me, it scares me to care this much, and even scarer is he seems to as well.

I question my judgment, I think it sad that I can't even trust myself. But to many  times I have fooled myself into seeing something that was not real, I lied to myself trying to convince myself that my reality laid within a false reality which was never mine. How can I trust me, when I don't even know what is real?




I stand by just watching myself move in out of days. I do stop to take notice of all that is wonderful in my life; which is so much...but beside that I just ponder and question myself, so much self doubt and I don't know how to move forward to let the self doubt go.



  

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

Foolish Girl or Just Plain Fun?

I am a glutton for punishment...a true masochist in every sense,  I shake my head at myself and say girl why do  you do the things you do?...and after doing that I still do what I want.

I have been talking to a man who is in a poly relationship with his wife, *asks one self why* I think my love to experience all the craziness that life has to offer, or I am the biggest commitment phob out there, i will go with the latter.

And yes it has been more then consider, with a date being set up.

Oh me, oh my...all I can do is laugh at my foolishness, I so do embrace my foolishness with my foolish pride.

I am very excited to meet him, we have a lot in common. Both having a strong interest in art, we both love the same kind of music, he loves being out in nature, very honest, very fourth coming...we have both put a lot of are rubbish on the table, and both having an understanding of that rubbish. We both have a dark side, both are understanding and non judgemental. He is interested in exploring his more Dominate side,(this is something his wife has no interest in at all) and well, as a sub that naturally integers me. Now that aspect of him or I was not brought up till we decided to set up a date.

Also this kinda set up allows me to play Dom with the other guy I met...I am really thinking it could be lots of fun.

I feel good about both, but I will only know with meeting up and time.

This shall be fun, if not fun it shall be interesting.

When One Becomes Two and A Pity party Brews.

I seem to be growing far away from this, far away from what is to be submissive. I lost my footing and don't know how to get it back into place.

I am far away from myself and needing to regain some sort of balance in my life... I need to be master and slave...mother and father, I need to dominate  and submits, and  at times playing the  two rolls can be daunting, can be overwhelming and incredibly trying.

I am two people all stuffed in one body, each trying to get out, trying to figure how to do this, how to make this work.

If I could split myself into two, then just maybe I could make a balance but that is physically impossible. So I am searching for another way to go about it, and well that is not so easy...I feel it should, and I try... but I seem to fail and get caught up in being the perfect two when I am only one.

I feel myself becoming bitter, and quite frankly pissy at the world for no good reason, other then the fact that I can.

I make excuses, get frustrated at myself, then I shut down...and well, that is never good. But at least I feel it coming on and maybe can get a hold of it before it gets a hold of me.

OK... I think I am done with this pity party I have thrown for myself...

Master says "get working girl."

"Yes Sir!"

Must obey....

Oh hell, I might be going crazy, I am answering back to ones self.