Tongue in Cheek, Awareness Of...Oh Fuck I Forgot

I think I stopped growing, emotionally that is.

Since I started this submissive journey, I have had a lot of emotional growth. It has been hard at times. I had to admit to myself some of weakness, I had to look deeper into my ugly, I had to accept me in all my glory, good and bad.

Maybe it is time for reflection, maybe I need to stop growing. Emotionally that is.

I have said in past post that I do not want to do this anymore, I don't want the kinky sex, I don't want to be submissive. I want my control, I want all of it, I want to rule my own little world. I want to tell men in my life what to do, and how to do it. I want to be worshiped. Bowed down to, and I want a big giant pedestal to sit upon, as I give orders.

That sounds good right about now.

But in all honesty it seems like a lot of work. Do that, do this, NO!!! NO!!! You’re not doing it wrong and I would take over and just do it myself. Because this is my world and I am always right!

It can be kind of exhausting, being always right. I should know, because I am always right in a wrong sort of way.

It is now sounding like to much work for me.

I do respect a true Dom/ Domme, it has to be a lot of work to keep a sub on one's toes. Keep one in one's place, keep one motivated, keep one growing, and constantly thinking of new ways to do so. Taking care of one’s neediness (I am not saying that in a negative way). And making sure one's emotional needs are being met, being taken care of, and most of all challenging the submissive so she can grow.

Waaay…. too much work! 

Maybe I will just take a respite, come back to it a little later when I am more aware, and ready to grow a little more, emotionally that is.

Questions I Need To Ask Myself

I am thinking that I need to start keeping up with writing here, there is so much going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it out. Writing does help me a great deal in the sorting. I just need to push myself to keep up with doing it.

I am struggling with being submissive and what it means to me. I as of late have been thinking what am I doing with this? Where am going and what will become of me? I often lose myself in the things I do, I grow tired of the old and search for the new...a different kind of thrill, a different kind of escape. 

Yet I am me in this spot, I have grown more, and more as I accept me for me. But yet I fear that this me, the true me will end up hurting more and regressing back into a shell. 

I am confused in to why I feel this way?

I think I am afraid, I am afraid of giving that part of me again and feeling abandoned once again. Used. That was too much, too soon, with someone who did not deserve that part of me. But now I am wary, and don't know what to do about it, but I do know I don't want a repeat of my first experience. I know I can't do that again.

I am scared. 

It all gets real so fast, the realization of what it all is and what it all means. Any person can promise in a million and one ways how they won't betray your trust, how they will be true and honor you and your limits, your expectations. But when it comes down to it each and every promise means nothing, no matter how many ways it is said; all it becomes is empty words in an empty box, leaving one empty.  

Now I am left wondering, once again; what am I doing here, where am I going with this what will become of me if I stay?





  

Content

I am content

I can't remember the last time I have been this content, I have found security, consistently, and understanding.

It has been an odd feeling to be with someone who is as crazy about me as I am them. I have not had that since my girl’s father. I do hope I do not freak out again, I hope that I can keep my head up and to accept this, to go and ride the wave safely to the shore. 

Now that the girls are back in school J and I are able to see each other more often, but the down side to that is we don't get to spend as much time together. It is hard to do darker scene in just a couple of hours or so, so the intensity of our play has been down. I don't mind for now, doing it this way is giving us more time to get to get to know each other in a new way. Building a better understanding of which the other is like outside of the bedroom.

My submissive side is happy and balanced, I feel free when I am with J. I don't feel bottled up, I don't feel afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, and I am not afraid of doing something wrong. He is as easy going, as I am. He is as content as I am to just lie in each other’s arms and cuddle, talk, and laugh. He loves my feisty side as much as he loves my soft and submissive side.

I have found my happy medium.

I am content.   

Struck!

  

     Still without kids, missing them so...but I shall get them back soon.

Things are going great with J and I, I can't be any happier.....thinking of him makes me smile and feel giddy inside. When I am with him, I am with him body and mind, I don't think of the what ifs, I don't think of trying to read his mind, I am just with him, it is odd; I have not had that since my children’s father. I feel comfortable with him, confident, free. I don't need to be careful with what I say, if something stupid flies out of my mouth he just accepts it for what it is. He amazes me, how understanding and patient he is with me. When he compliments me, I believe him without question. I miss him as soon as he walks out the door, and anticipate the next time we will see each other again. And best of all I know he cares for me as much as I care for him, and I don't need to question it, I just know! 

So why is it I am still trying to push him away?

Why is it that I can't just be happy being happy?

So far he has been able to communicate with me when I do something stupid to try to ruin it. But I fear in the next panic it will be the one to scare him away.

I know I need to stay out of my head, to not listen to the voices that tell me everything that could possibly go wrong. I need to accept that he is often going to be out of town, out of the country and that there will be times when we can't meet up due to me not being able to have someone watch the girls. It is so much more simple when one does not get attached, and I did try in the beginning to not get attached but my heart decided to take over on this one....and this one has me in a whole different head space, he has me, I am his; no matter how hard I try to fight it.

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.

Trusting, or Not to Trust?

I came across this saying on facebook, and it got me thinking, you all know where thinking tends to lead me...to a rant, a rambling.









 I have been talking and occasionally seeing a man for over a month, he is not into the kinky, although willing to try with me. He is aware of what I like, I have shared in more detail of what I like with him, then I have ever shared with anyone. He has a way of getting stuff out of me...he is direct. he says he cares and has feeling for me. He listen to my escapades, enjoys hearing about me fooling around with other men, allows me to embrace my sexaulaty. He is a good, and caring lover when we get together. Holds me tight, makes me feel safe, and kisses me on the forehead. He is my safe call, when I go on a play date. He tells me I am beautiful, he accepts my faults, my imperfections.

And what am I doing? What am I thinking?

He has a motive, all men have a motive...I don't know what it is yet. But I know one is there...just lurking in  the corner waiting for me to catch it. And I will...

I am cynical, I know it...I take everyone with a grain of salt. I am wary, I always have been, even as a child. My mother has always taught her girls to be aware of danger at every corner, to the point of maybe paranoia. She meant well, preventing of us of getting used, or hurt. but what she created, was  three girls and one boy who wary of all.

Should I trust, should I let him in or should I push...become cold, impenetrable?

Should I take a risk, do something different? Step out of my safe zone, be vulnerable? I did that and it did not work out so well for me, maybe the wrong circumstances, maybe being vulnerable this time will turn out better than the last.

I guess I will never know, unless I just let myself go.

What is the worse that could happen? Getting hurt? But I could put the walls back up again, just for a little....and maybe take them down again, till I get it right.

One can not grow, unless one takes the risk; so I tell myself...but I never seem to take my own advice. Maybe today or tomorrow or the next day, so on and so forth, forever to repeat itself.

Then again maybe I will just break the cycle.

Caged Bird Verse a Free Bird... Another Rambling of Anna May

I have been feeling a bit cocky as of late.

A little too self absorbed... a slight big head, really liking my control. I feel empowered, a new, refreshed... free, me, a bird not meant to be caged, but I know this is temporary, soon my freedom will scare me. I will not know where to go, I wil realize I don't have a home, that I am left on my own and will be sad, wishing I had more, wishing to feel more secure. And as a bird I will long for a nest, maybe long to be caged so I don't have to wander aimless and free.

Some say submission is freedom, that you are free to be you. You don't have to worry as much, you know you have security, you belong, you have a sense of purpose beyond basic needs. You don't need to wander aimlessly but how can you see beyond the stars, beyond reality, beyond what is yours? You are his/hers.

I suppose  one can ask what is freedom, is a bird truly free? Are any of us?

I try to seek freedom, I try to be true to self, though at times I fool myself into believing there is something more if only I search it out, but if I keep on searching then I am a slave to my search. A bird can only fly so high, so long before it needs rest, before it needs to eat. The search decess and again tomorrow it goes on and on... a slave to nothing in petecule. Is that freedom?

Am I more free in a cage, with the safety and security to be me? Or is my freedom found flying aimlessly about life, searching out the next big adventure, the next risk to be taken, to fall and fly...to put up my defenses, and become a predator to prey? Prey to the predator? Though neither is me.

Why am I so afraid to let someone love me? Why am I so afraid to love one back?

I say it is because "Love is to be caged, and how can a caged bird be free?"

Maybe I need to just stop thinking for a bit, and just let what will be, be...but I guess that would not be me.

Now I am rethinking again, as I proofread said above.

I am thinking about humiliation/degradation and why I like it so much. A-ha, erika moment! It frees me...odd as it may seem, I am free...if through escape out of ones mind, if through humbling...it is a sense of control over my own being, I know I am more than just that. I am strength, endurance;  I know me, my truth's. I can be forced to look into the mirror, ask what I see, I fumble on my words but I know I see me, free. Odd but I am a odd one indeed.

 

I Am Me Again *sigh of relief*

I am finally feeling 100%, the sun is shining, I got a good hike with my dog in.... life is good.

Due to not feeling well I have been taking an easy on dating, which was overdue. I have been chatting with a few men on Fet...that seem normal and not pushy, that is refreshing. I learn so much by each person. I have made a long distance friend with a woman. I have been needing a female based friendship badly, and to have one with someone who understands where I am coming from is refreshing. She has also introduced me to a mentor/friend who is based in India...also something I have been needing. Now I will have to make an effort and utilize my new friends, (that is something I need to work on, "asking help" or "needing someone, and accepting giudice".

I do have a lot going through my head, but at this time I can not put my scattered thoughts into words. My muse has run away...maybe it will come back soon...hopefully sooner than soon.

When One Becomes Two and A Pity party Brews.

I seem to be growing far away from this, far away from what is to be submissive. I lost my footing and don't know how to get it back into place.

I am far away from myself and needing to regain some sort of balance in my life... I need to be master and slave...mother and father, I need to dominate  and submits, and  at times playing the  two rolls can be daunting, can be overwhelming and incredibly trying.

I am two people all stuffed in one body, each trying to get out, trying to figure how to do this, how to make this work.

If I could split myself into two, then just maybe I could make a balance but that is physically impossible. So I am searching for another way to go about it, and well that is not so easy...I feel it should, and I try... but I seem to fail and get caught up in being the perfect two when I am only one.

I feel myself becoming bitter, and quite frankly pissy at the world for no good reason, other then the fact that I can.

I make excuses, get frustrated at myself, then I shut down...and well, that is never good. But at least I feel it coming on and maybe can get a hold of it before it gets a hold of me.

OK... I think I am done with this pity party I have thrown for myself...

Master says "get working girl."

"Yes Sir!"

Must obey....

Oh hell, I might be going crazy, I am answering back to ones self.