Tongue in Cheek, Awareness Of...Oh Fuck I Forgot

I think I stopped growing, emotionally that is.

Since I started this submissive journey, I have had a lot of emotional growth. It has been hard at times. I had to admit to myself some of weakness, I had to look deeper into my ugly, I had to accept me in all my glory, good and bad.

Maybe it is time for reflection, maybe I need to stop growing. Emotionally that is.

I have said in past post that I do not want to do this anymore, I don't want the kinky sex, I don't want to be submissive. I want my control, I want all of it, I want to rule my own little world. I want to tell men in my life what to do, and how to do it. I want to be worshiped. Bowed down to, and I want a big giant pedestal to sit upon, as I give orders.

That sounds good right about now.

But in all honesty it seems like a lot of work. Do that, do this, NO!!! NO!!! You’re not doing it wrong and I would take over and just do it myself. Because this is my world and I am always right!

It can be kind of exhausting, being always right. I should know, because I am always right in a wrong sort of way.

It is now sounding like to much work for me.

I do respect a true Dom/ Domme, it has to be a lot of work to keep a sub on one's toes. Keep one in one's place, keep one motivated, keep one growing, and constantly thinking of new ways to do so. Taking care of one’s neediness (I am not saying that in a negative way). And making sure one's emotional needs are being met, being taken care of, and most of all challenging the submissive so she can grow.

Waaay…. too much work! 

Maybe I will just take a respite, come back to it a little later when I am more aware, and ready to grow a little more, emotionally that is.

Defeated

I give, life wins...I gave it my best, I tried but life is too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".

Ok, I get it, I put myself up to be defeated by challenging life. But a girl gotta try, so I tried; and well a girl gotta learn, I learned. Got to big for my breaches, a little cocky, thinking I knew it all (ok not all, but most). Should know better, but threw caution to the wind anyway; fly than fall, but it is all ok, brush off my knees and do it again; just not up against life. Life is too clever, too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".

Fetlife Can be Funny

I made a profile on fetlife a few months back but did not do anything with it, just recently I decided to add a little more to my profile and more sexy pic of myself (maybe that is where I went wrong or not) and it has been interesting. I will say upfront that I have made email friends with a new to it sub like me and a very nice gentleman Dom...So all is fair in love and war.

But...Oh I so love my butts...

I had one so called dom, not quite in my area but close, email me. He came off very nice, so I sent an e-mail back...then the punch, do you have a Dom? How submissive are you? Would you like to come to my dungeon and play" WTF. So I did not respond in a timely manner...well he said "that he sees why I don't have a Dom" As we all know I do like to play with players so I took the bait and said "I was sorry, and that I am busy" do you think he respect that answer? No way!! not one little bit. The next email was "well I guess you don't want a Dom" said he... Bingo!!! We have a winner!!!! as my profile says I am looking for friends at this point, not a Dom. Then to top that off he said that people were saying I was a man...such middle school mentality. How I love free entertainment. Oh I so do hope no sub falls for such a fool.

Now up to today, this man seemed fairly innocent (ok as innocent as it gets in this TTWD) His first approach was kind and not overwhelming, not pushy, easy going. He had told me a bit about himself, and that he was a "do it for fun" photographer. He liked my picture and said he would like to do a photo-shoot of me. Ok fine, if I got to know him, some trust was built, I may be up to something like that...but only in time. At first he was cool, but as the e-mails went on he grew more eager, more aggressive He ask if I could meet him tonight for coffee, innocent enough. But I am unable to do to children. He asked if we could meet tomorrow "I said no I cannot" I said maybe next week during the day. He could not do that... then the topper. "Well how about this weekend you come to my place for a photo-shoot" said he. WTF again...I responded nicely that I was not comfortable, I needed to get to know more about him. I got an "ok" and that was it. lol. I shake my head in disbelief, but I have been warned ... Yet it is so entertaining .

Fun, fun, fun!!!

I think I need a life lol

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

Me Dom??? Seriously!!!

I so do love the men I meet in this on line dating thingy...

There is this guy I talked to before I met Sir, he was trying to get me to Dom him, LOL. Me!! Dom!! too funny.

He is very quite insistent on it. As soon as I get back on to the dating sight, he messages me...now mind you I have told him I do not play Dom, I am like him and submissive but you know men... they only hear what they want to.

But, I was thinking this could be fun... why not, I have tried it before...but said man was a wimp (a masochistic sub should not Dom, one ends up making the assumption that a bottom can take as much pain as ones self) poor guy, don't think he knew what he was in for...but he learned right quick.

So this guy's kink is going down on women, he likes to lick and lick a lot... could be fun.. could be.

I could be bossy, I could... I think...oh hell...maybe.

I think I should try just for the hell of it.... though Domming seems like a lot of work.
Do this...
do that..
up, down..
turn around,
sit, kneel...all sorts of different orders,

and I would have to be the one that has the final say, make up my mind, for just not me but another.... Oooh...ummm...  that sounds like to much work for a little lickty, lick. Don't you think?

But could be fun, I will have to think a little more about it...  though it could not hurt. I could see what it feels like being a Dom first hand. I could do it, sure I can....think.

And what women does not like a little poo-nanny loving? (Shame on my vulgarness) lol

I  

Me and My But's

I am in a funk

I hate being in a funk, I am no fun, I am cynical, I am more unmotivated than usually (did not think it was possible, but yet it is) and worse Yet!! I am becoming my mom.

So how does one deal with this??

Well I tried my go to method of just avoiding this funk, in hopes it will just go away.
But that did not work out so well.

Tried getting out, that  help a little...but yet still the feeling remains.

Tried to make myself all pretty, but that only made more work for me.

Tried being positive, but positive is so hard to do when one is cynical.

Sarcasm, sarcasm was good for a minute or two but then I end up pissing people off, and well that is never a good feeling. Also it kinda sorta pushes people away. But is fun at the time... quick fix with a down side.

I could drink and get drunk, but I am not found of the feeling, brings back to many not so good memories.

Tried watching funny shows but I became bored and the shows became uninteresting.

Of course my imps put a smile on my face but when you are in a funk that is not enough.

Oh!! holy hell... I am just one big BUT!!!

I Feel a Rant Coming On.....

"My life is easy" said daughter, if only she knew.

 I love my children more then anything in the world, but they are driving me insane;  OK just one is driving me insane... that is my oldest. She is nine,  moody, and unreasonable, ughh...  i thought the whole teenage thing did not start till they turned thirteen, right?!?!

I lost my motivation, I think it might be playing hide and seek. And with no motivation I have no want to look for it. Also daughter is not helping, good god of all... how the hell am I supposta survive tweens and teens? I have 3 girls...one after the other and the other. I could say it is karma, but I was of little trouble for my mom. I am prob getting my sister brunt of mama karma. Just not fair!!

I am needing a break from motherhood, I feel less and less like an adult every day....I get to read all the wonderful blogs out there and get a taste of what it is to be an adult. Yet not so much in my life. If I have to watch one more episode of the many horrid Disney shows out  there, I think i might go completely insane.

Insane I tell ya, insane in the membrane...


Yep!" My life is easy", said daughter.

Mama Karma is a bitch, said mom

Watch my middle who causes me little problem will get mama karma. So not fair.

A Tongue in Cheek Rant... The Bitch...

I battle with the inner bitch, I am uncomfortable being that, I don't like being hard, I don't like being mean. I like being soft, I like being kind... I like giving but I don't like being taken advantage of, I don't like being played with, I don't like my emotions to be toyed with.

So I feel I am forced to be the bitch, gotta be tough, gotta be hard as nails, can't let anyone see you soft, see you kind... though that is all I want to be, I want to be me, I feel most free in that state.

But, (there are always buts)... I can't, I can't be me, and the lessons keep on coming back to that... I open, I learn quickly I should have stayed closed, should have stayed hard, keep the facade up a bit longer, pretend, I have become good at that. I have excelled at pretending to be someone I am not, to the point that I might be, becoming just that.

 People seem to respect the bitch, bow to the bitch... hell, fall head over heels for the bitch. Bitch got it going on. But, (again another but)... I don't like being that, I want to be me, I want to be free of the bitch, I don't want to need her. I want to only be me, my true self... the little sweet girl, the kind loving women I was always meant to be.

 But, (once again another but) I battle with the inner bitch and she seems to always win... dang that bitch is always right.