Kink, I and the Forever Changing Tides

    Kink has taken an odd turn for me since being with J; some of my stronger fantasies have shifted to wanting to have, to not wanting at all. My wanting to add other into the room has diminished, the thought does not thrill me, does not turn me on like it has in the past.

I have been trying to search out the reason to why. Maybe it is the consistency in which he sees me. Although I have had other consistent relationships and the fantasy still were very strong, almost insatiable. Yet with him they are not, they kind of just faded till they dropped out of my mind. He, a few weeks back brought up bringing someone in to the bedroom to fulfill one of my fantasies and I just blankly stared at him, thinking "how dare he make such a suggestion" knowing clearly that it was a fantasy of mine not his.

So why do I have such a change of heart? What is different in me? What is different in this relationship verse others? And most of all, what the hell has he done with me? Is it growth; am I a growing in the sense of what I want from another? Has he shown me what it is that I truly desire, but am too afraid to admit that I am capable of giving more of myself then the superficial? Oh so my questions to ask myself and so many answers to search for.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of things I still want to do, try and discover within myself but they are just not the same as they were before.

Maybe I am afraid of the consequences of TTWD can bring, for I have paid my dues with that by jumping into too much too quick with the wrong person. But still that should not affect my fantasies seeing as I still had them even after failed first time with this TTWD. So that is not it.

Maybe I am growing board, and desensitized to the kink, that I am searching for something in my life that is more meaningful, not saying that kink in not meaningful, I still love certain aspects of it, I still want to discover more, just not like the way I did a couple months back.

I am no less submissive, maybe having a harder time letting go of myself....but that is a whole other blog post so I will leave that one be for now.

I guess all in all, the simplest answer for me would be things come and go and even come back again. I am happy to see some of my darker fantasy drift out of my mind, I am happy I am getting a better understanding of my needs, wants, and what the difference between the two are.

 Growth!!!

When will I be big enough? lol   

Taking Me To Another Place

This is a story of Consent/Non Consent, it may be disturbing to some.

 

  Kids are on vacation, I get to write on my blog, catch up with friends, and have some peace and quiet...not so sure how I am liking the peace and quiet right now, just a tad too quiet.

Everything is going phenomenal with J, I could not ask for a better Dom at this point in my life. We are building things up slowly. We had a first real intense scene a couple of weeks back, that was the most intense I have had as far as being pushed to the edge. He took me to a place in my head that I did not think could be dragged out of me, even wondered if I had it in me. I did.

We decided to do a consent/ non consent scene. I was not sure how that would work with me being so submissive... to my amazement it worked.  He brought the feisty Irish out of me, and the bull headed Pollock I try to deny...not necessarily convince others.  

The scene started off with me entering the hotel room with notes telling me what to do, he not being there at all. I did what the notes told me to do and waited for him, wondering what he had planned, but trying not to think too much.

He entered the room, no hello, no hug, no kiss...just business, one of his notes was not clear so I did not do it and he was a bit frustrated with that, though he realized how I could get confused. So together we but on restraints and as soon as that was done he took over. It was somewhat shocking to me to see him so aggressive right away, I was slightly taken aback. He had only showed me that side once because I called him out on it, and he showed me, I knew he had it in him but not to that intensity.

He pulled my by the hair, put me where he wanted me...called me a few not so nice names. Slapped me in the face a few times slowing getting me into that head space, I so desired to be. He forced me to go down on him, to take his cock in my mouth to suck, swallow and gag. Got me close to one of my biggest fears with TTWD and that is throwing up. Me no like that, not one little bit. I was able to hold back.

He then had me go lay on the bed, tummy down, and began to slap my ass, then bringing out his belt, a nice thick leather one and swung it a few times before it would land on my ass with a loud thump, me yelping out ouch and fuck, which only made him do it longer, sticking to one spot the spot which he bruised pretty bad the previous week.

After that he begin to use my body, to fuck me, and fuck me hard, while slapping me and spitting on me getting me deeper and deeper into that head space. I cried out my ass got wiped, I tried be quiet and my ass got wiped till I cried out...no cunning my way out of it, though I tried and the more I tried the more aggressive he got. The power feed was very intense, and pushing me even deeper into that head space.

He order me to fuck him on top, that gives one little girl too much control, especially when she was at the point of fighting for the control...yes he brought me to the point of breaking my submissive, he got me pissed and loathing him, he got me fighting, and doing all I could do to regain any kind of control. Then put me on top, what is more controlling than making a man cum when he is not ready. But that was not good enough I decided to continue after he came and it made him a bit uncomfortable, which gave me even more control with being on top, so I continued with a cold smirk on my face, and well that pissed him off even more. I did truly did not know I had that much fight in me, I knew I had some, but not to that extent. I kept on pushing him as I was going deeper and deeper into that head space.

He took me and threw me on my back and straddling me, slapping and spitting on me...I at one point looked at him and said "don't you fucking dear bruise my face" (by the way he wouldn't) he looked at me sternly and said "you can call out yellow" but I choose to stay definite as I was deep, deep in my head. And I was going to push and I was going to not give in....what a rush of adrenaline. Mind you he is 6'2 and about 250 a pretty big guy...but I still wanted to piss him off, to see how far he would go. He began to whip my ass with his belt; I still chose to be definite. Then a moment of "oh shit, maybe it is time to give in" one last hard whip to my feet and then my lower back, upper behind (that place fucking hurts like a bitch) and I gave in...and I was crying, and laughing, and thinking maybe laughing is not a good thing at this time; so I hid my head and shut down to that comfy place in my head.

He lay back up by the pillows of the bed, asked me nicely to come up with him. I did not want to, I was too much in my head space and loathing him. But I did anyway. He talked me down, respecting my boundaries...letting me be, making sure I was alright. Getting me to hate him less, getting me to soften up. I was struggling with crying and laughing all at the same time. I started to get out of my head space, warming up to him, and was lovey, dovey with in a split second.

After all was said and done, I loved it. I trusted that he would not take me any further then I could handle and he did that. I did want to go deeper, but realized that the scene ended when it needed to end. It built a higher level of trust with him, and showed me he is as dark as me but capable of assessing the scene, and knowing when to end it.

We did try again to do a dark scene Wednesday  but it did not work out so well, we started out lovey, dovey and ended up joking around way too much with me doing most of the joking around...which did end up leaving me with a very black and blue behind.

It is safe to say, I am up to doing that again...and upon re reading that I am questioning my sanity. lol 

Fetlife Can be Funny

I made a profile on fetlife a few months back but did not do anything with it, just recently I decided to add a little more to my profile and more sexy pic of myself (maybe that is where I went wrong or not) and it has been interesting. I will say upfront that I have made email friends with a new to it sub like me and a very nice gentleman Dom...So all is fair in love and war.

But...Oh I so love my butts...

I had one so called dom, not quite in my area but close, email me. He came off very nice, so I sent an e-mail back...then the punch, do you have a Dom? How submissive are you? Would you like to come to my dungeon and play" WTF. So I did not respond in a timely manner...well he said "that he sees why I don't have a Dom" As we all know I do like to play with players so I took the bait and said "I was sorry, and that I am busy" do you think he respect that answer? No way!! not one little bit. The next email was "well I guess you don't want a Dom" said he... Bingo!!! We have a winner!!!! as my profile says I am looking for friends at this point, not a Dom. Then to top that off he said that people were saying I was a man...such middle school mentality. How I love free entertainment. Oh I so do hope no sub falls for such a fool.

Now up to today, this man seemed fairly innocent (ok as innocent as it gets in this TTWD) His first approach was kind and not overwhelming, not pushy, easy going. He had told me a bit about himself, and that he was a "do it for fun" photographer. He liked my picture and said he would like to do a photo-shoot of me. Ok fine, if I got to know him, some trust was built, I may be up to something like that...but only in time. At first he was cool, but as the e-mails went on he grew more eager, more aggressive He ask if I could meet him tonight for coffee, innocent enough. But I am unable to do to children. He asked if we could meet tomorrow "I said no I cannot" I said maybe next week during the day. He could not do that... then the topper. "Well how about this weekend you come to my place for a photo-shoot" said he. WTF again...I responded nicely that I was not comfortable, I needed to get to know more about him. I got an "ok" and that was it. lol. I shake my head in disbelief, but I have been warned ... Yet it is so entertaining .

Fun, fun, fun!!!

I think I need a life lol

Snow Break and Where I am At.

My kiddos are on "spring" break...and spring break up north can be sunny and in the late 70s or it can be snowy and in the 20s. Well this year my kiddos got snowy and in the 30s. Watch next week it will be sunny and in the 70s. lol Gotta love this time of the year.

Can't say I will be doing a lot of writing on here for the week, they tend to take over everything, I mean everything.

Dating has been ehhh... meet up with two gentlemen on Friday, one for lunch and the other for coffee. A back to back deal. Such fun!

The one is the Substitute School Teacher, so very sweet...I think I would scare the heck  out of him if he got to know me well. Very, very vanilla, and very, very ordinary...slightly boring but super sweet. I hate this part, I hate finding a guy who is so sweet and kind, but would not have a clue on how to handle me. He would be good as far as being dependable. But I would grow bored with ease.

The second guy is a 16 year sober lawyer, a self proclaimed honest lawyer...lawyer and honesty has to be the biggest oxymoron I have ever heard (it took all of me to refrain for being a smart ass and saying that). But I must say thus far he has been super straight up. Anyone that admits that they are a recovering heron addict, takes a lot of courage... especially on the first meeting. Though I was also straight up about my girls father which left him a open door opportunity. I don't think we would work as a couple but I can see being friends. He does fascinate me... and I so do love fascinating people.

I am going to take some advice of my fellow blogger's and reopen my Fetlife account and see if I can meet more like minded people, and maybe along the way meet a man that would better suet my needs. It will be a scary process for me but I feel it may be good to add that along with my vanilla dating.       

My sweet subbie and I have been trying to find time to hook up and play, which has been hard for us to arrange, for my kiddos are on spring brake this week and his are on spring brake next week. I am looking forward to it. Little ole me Domming a big guy, that would be something for sure...and my little tease has been out in full force.

That be my update for the week, now time for me to get the kiddos to clean...oh such fun.

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

Degradation.

Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs  I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.

But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.

Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?

Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF

I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.

Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.