Struck!

  

     Still without kids, missing them so...but I shall get them back soon.

Things are going great with J and I, I can't be any happier.....thinking of him makes me smile and feel giddy inside. When I am with him, I am with him body and mind, I don't think of the what ifs, I don't think of trying to read his mind, I am just with him, it is odd; I have not had that since my children’s father. I feel comfortable with him, confident, free. I don't need to be careful with what I say, if something stupid flies out of my mouth he just accepts it for what it is. He amazes me, how understanding and patient he is with me. When he compliments me, I believe him without question. I miss him as soon as he walks out the door, and anticipate the next time we will see each other again. And best of all I know he cares for me as much as I care for him, and I don't need to question it, I just know! 

So why is it I am still trying to push him away?

Why is it that I can't just be happy being happy?

So far he has been able to communicate with me when I do something stupid to try to ruin it. But I fear in the next panic it will be the one to scare him away.

I know I need to stay out of my head, to not listen to the voices that tell me everything that could possibly go wrong. I need to accept that he is often going to be out of town, out of the country and that there will be times when we can't meet up due to me not being able to have someone watch the girls. It is so much more simple when one does not get attached, and I did try in the beginning to not get attached but my heart decided to take over on this one....and this one has me in a whole different head space, he has me, I am his; no matter how hard I try to fight it.

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.

I Got to Top, Little Ole' Me Topping.

Sleeping in is sleeping in and I so do love to sleep.

I hate when I do not want to write, I don't want to write because things are going well, and if I write things are going well then somehow, I don't know how...things will somehow fall down all around. But I hate that I only write when things are not so good, what is the point to have only documented that of the bad and not the good.

I think I am done now with the nonsense rambling, I think?

Things are  wonderful with new Dom, I feel super content, wanted, needed, cared for, everything wonderful that one can hope for. I know I should continue to date but as of now I feel no need for it, I feel it would only complicate and confuse me.

But I still remain talking to a couple of the guys I have met through dating. The man I was talking with who was polly and submissive, we ended up going to the dungun together (as friends) tis fun trying to get two subbies together.... Which you wanna do? what do you want to do? No what do you want to do? I don't know? What are you thinking of? I don't know, what are you thinking of?...Yep can be a long night lol

So with that being said, that is kind of how our night started off down at the dungun. He wanted so badly to meet a Domme, I kept asking him what he wanted from a dommie all I got a lot of uncertainty (subs are a pain in the ass, I have been scratching my head as to wondering why Doms even deal with us lol) finally I got him thinking or he got me thinking....but I throw the offer out there again that I would be more than happy to Top him in the me playing the sadistic manner, if that is what he was looking for. He finally took up my offer. And I was more than up for it after teasing me that I could not put enough umph to cause him any pain. I so loathe when people underestimate my size.

I went and picked out a few implements, as he got undressed and laid on the table. I was a bit unsure of myself... worrying I would either be to gentil, or to hard. I started off with a few gentil tosses with a flogger and got a little more aggressive, maybe a bit too much so I was asked to tone it down. I did, it was not as much fun toned down, so I choose one of the other implements. A thick leather swatty thingy, it had a good thump, and loud crack to it. Also left his back a nice pinky/red color, then I went to a thinner brown leather thingy that had a super nice slapy sound, and leaving some sweet welts. He laid back as if in a massage parlor, every now and then I would get a good hard whack to get a reaction or grimace from him, then he would ask me to slow down, I reminded him that he is lucky he is starting off with a sub, a Domme would not be so giving lol. Not saying it was easy for me, he was kinda pissing me off, I wanted to say "Man it up" but seeing as the both of us are learning I thought better of it.

It was nice, I truly enjoyed beating his back...making it red, and welted and to top it I gave him a few little bruises. I am  kinda proud of myself, it is nice to know I can bring that aspect of me out, and not fear of hurting someone who would not want otherwise. It was also nice to know I could bring someone else to a happy/content state of mind. I am looking forward to bringing him even further into the bliss that pain can bring. But I also know that the closest to Domming anyone would be through pain, I could not do any sexule domming. Good thing for him and I, neither of us are looking for that aspect. Happy, happy, joy, joy all around.

I am looking forward to seeing where this may or may not go, I think he is as well.

 

The Here and Now

So I have a little free time to put thoughts into words. Though not uninterrupted free time...free time nonetheless.

I am trying to process what is going on with my new fling, he is a wonderful man, sweet, kind, giving, funny, a wonderful communicator, open, and willing to be vulnerable with me. I find that
I am not questioning his intent, it is clearly written in his eyes, and what his eyes do not tell his actions portray. There is no uncertainty to his willingness to be true, I do believe what he says, I do not feel he is trying to fool me, pull the wool over my eyes, be a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is real, and I am not frightened by him. I am not intimidated by his openness, his willingness...his vulnerability.  

So what is a girl to do? I could pick him to pieces, try to dig for something gruesome. Make up, make believe stories in my head to make me think he is not who he says. But I don't feel like doing that, I don't feel like running, I don't feel like closing off, or regressing. I don't feel like chasing him away by all means necessary. I really would like him to stay.... I like him, I truly do.

I would like to write down my fears, but my fears are premature they hold no logic or reason, and I am ok with that. I don't feel I need to, I don't feel the need to make something out of nothing, or nothing out of something. I think I will just enjoy this one, I think I will savor the refreshing taste of something real, and easy...something true, not perfect, just right at the right time.

I know without any doubt that no matter what will become of him and I, that it is going to be good. I don't know why, I just know. He is unlike any other man I have met,(my closest  comparison is to my children's father, but not as dramatic) there is just a natural comfort, nothing needing to be forced. Not even needing to get ahead of myself, just easy, breezy...comfortable.

So that is where I am at, not closing the door to other possibilities, just enjoying the here and now.

Kinda how I feel when the wee ones are out of school.

  

Where I Am at and Feeling a Tad Grateful Today.

Coming to end is my morning, afternoon free time...but with that I get to sleep in, I so do adore sleeping in...but also adore my me time. Woe is me, woe is me....

Update, update.

I have been chatting with a guy for a couple of weeks now, we met up for lunch yesterday to see if there was any chemistry. I had a great time, he is super funny and incredibly sweet and kind. Easy to talk to, very little gaps in conversation. I think it is safe to say there is chemistry, so we set up a playdate for tomorrow. My lack of patience shows here quite a bit, oh well, tis me.

The Internet age is a funny little thing, people you think you would never cross paths with again can come magically into you life throw a little glitch in email.

The last man I was seeing before I met with Sir (I am thinking I may need a new name, but hell I guess Sir works, if it ain't broke why fix it) ended up getting his email hacked and sent me an odd message, with I respond to, for there was a little unfinished business. I left a very nasty last email to him, which I was not very proud of. So with that I was able to tell him that I was sorry for saying what I said, though somewhat justifiable and he apologized for his part as well. Neither of us wanted it to end badly.

I was excited, he wants to buy a painting from me. It puts a little fire in my arse to get me painting again after a too long brake. Now I do realize with this that he probably is looking to sleep with me, ok I know he is. Men have become that predictable for me. But with that said I am not going to miss an opportunity to sell a painting...and the best part is I don't have to sleep with him...being a women is good.

I have been looking back quite a bit, and I am amazed with how far I have come. I at times am angry at myself for allowing things with Sir to progress as they did, leaving me more vulnerable than I wanted to be. But I must say the experience was well worth the pain, I have noticed I communicate so much better, I am more open and honest with every man I chat with. I know more of my wants, needs and how to ask for them. I am more certain of myself than I ever have been. And I guess if I never took that chance, never allowed myself to fall I would've never learned what I know now.

I go back and forth with myself as far as this blog goes, it was not started for me, it was for him...but as time has gone by it has become more than I imagined it to be. And it definitely has become mine, for me, for anyone who comes across it and reads. Of course I hope what I say gives someone, anyone, a little insight to what I don't know. Hopefully truth, nothing sugar coated, just me some sort of mad women writing down all of her illogical, irrational, crazy thoughts. Making all feel less insane. There is no pretense, sometimes ugly but all me.

At times I have thought of just writing happy, happy, joy, joy stuff, but lets face it that is not me, and that would show; even in writing. I am the worlds worst liar. I suck at pretending happiness, or sadness I have to be me. And what better place to let it show, right here in blog land.

Ok I am done with my being grateful rant, until next time when my vibes are on high.

Trusting, or Not to Trust?

I came across this saying on facebook, and it got me thinking, you all know where thinking tends to lead me...to a rant, a rambling.









 I have been talking and occasionally seeing a man for over a month, he is not into the kinky, although willing to try with me. He is aware of what I like, I have shared in more detail of what I like with him, then I have ever shared with anyone. He has a way of getting stuff out of me...he is direct. he says he cares and has feeling for me. He listen to my escapades, enjoys hearing about me fooling around with other men, allows me to embrace my sexaulaty. He is a good, and caring lover when we get together. Holds me tight, makes me feel safe, and kisses me on the forehead. He is my safe call, when I go on a play date. He tells me I am beautiful, he accepts my faults, my imperfections.

And what am I doing? What am I thinking?

He has a motive, all men have a motive...I don't know what it is yet. But I know one is there...just lurking in  the corner waiting for me to catch it. And I will...

I am cynical, I know it...I take everyone with a grain of salt. I am wary, I always have been, even as a child. My mother has always taught her girls to be aware of danger at every corner, to the point of maybe paranoia. She meant well, preventing of us of getting used, or hurt. but what she created, was  three girls and one boy who wary of all.

Should I trust, should I let him in or should I push...become cold, impenetrable?

Should I take a risk, do something different? Step out of my safe zone, be vulnerable? I did that and it did not work out so well for me, maybe the wrong circumstances, maybe being vulnerable this time will turn out better than the last.

I guess I will never know, unless I just let myself go.

What is the worse that could happen? Getting hurt? But I could put the walls back up again, just for a little....and maybe take them down again, till I get it right.

One can not grow, unless one takes the risk; so I tell myself...but I never seem to take my own advice. Maybe today or tomorrow or the next day, so on and so forth, forever to repeat itself.

Then again maybe I will just break the cycle.

A Little Something To Say, After Not Having Much To Say.

Good god of all I am without things to say...at least during the day. At night all of my thoughts, worries  fears, realizations come... even stories to tell; but by the time the AM hits they disappear like fog in the night, to daylight.

What should a loss for words woman do? Just so ones does not stop doing something she loves.

Pay homage to my blog?

Maybe pictures?

More music?

Maybe a lot of randomness? I do random well

Random it is...




I did a stupid thing, I do stupid well to. I met a man on Fet and invited him over.. on the fly, no first public meet. I survived, knowing it was stupid. The guy even told me as he was leaving that I should not let strange men in through my back door. Good advice from a strange man who came in through my back door. Strange things here, strange things there, strange things everywhere...I think I shall take his advice, though I so do hate to take advice....even the good kind.

I have been chatting with a couple of interesting possibilities on Fet (no I won't be inviting them to come over through my back door) I am planning on meeting the him in a public place next Monday, I have been chatting with him for about a month now...consistent chatting so I am feeling it is OK to move to the next level   The other guy of interest I have been only chatting with for a few days, so I shall see where that goes with in time, as only time will tell.

I have been doing an assessment of the past year, Looking into my past three relationships (being ones that lasted over a couple of months) trying to find where I went wrong, what I would've done different, and why I did what I did and/ or reacted the way I did to certain things. I have realized if I don't reevaluate my past how can I change my future (I feel a Bob Marley song coming on, good thing you all can't hear me sing lol) I feel thus far I am approaching matters in a more healthy way (as far as dating goes) for myself. I have noticed I have got my strength back, I am no longer vulnerable and I have been able to be clear with my wants and needs... and expectations;  also I have been better at asking the ones I am chatting with to be clear with me, and I have been clear with them.

I am as always a work in progress, a ramble of words, as contradictory as ever, constantly growing and being cut back to grow some more. Tis fantastic to be human... to be alive and continue to evolve.

I hope to catch up on reading all the blogs I so do enjoy, my head has been in such a ramble that I can not focus long on any one given  thing.

Hey!!! looky, I had things to say. Yay me!!

I Am Me Again *sigh of relief*

I am finally feeling 100%, the sun is shining, I got a good hike with my dog in.... life is good.

Due to not feeling well I have been taking an easy on dating, which was overdue. I have been chatting with a few men on Fet...that seem normal and not pushy, that is refreshing. I learn so much by each person. I have made a long distance friend with a woman. I have been needing a female based friendship badly, and to have one with someone who understands where I am coming from is refreshing. She has also introduced me to a mentor/friend who is based in India...also something I have been needing. Now I will have to make an effort and utilize my new friends, (that is something I need to work on, "asking help" or "needing someone, and accepting giudice".

I do have a lot going through my head, but at this time I can not put my scattered thoughts into words. My muse has run away...maybe it will come back soon...hopefully sooner than soon.

Another Silly Contradictory Rant Of Mine.

    I am torn! I am torn I don't know where to go. I want two things but getting both seems to be an impossible task. I want to be the submissive I am, and have it embraced for what it is. I want a caring but evil sadistic Dominant man to dish out the pain, and control I so desire. But I also want to be loved and cared for like the sweet, kind and giving woman I am.

It is not easy getting all of my wants fulfilled, unless I have multiple partners, but I tend to be very faithful when I find the right one. And truly I am getting tired of being such a slut, my sex drive gets me into more trouble than not. I need to get that under control but it is easier said than done...I always want!

And I am misunderstood more than not, I have no shame in saying what I like (for the most part) and that leads one to see me for just my sexuality. I know the easy fix is not to be so upfront, but then you put time and effort into something, and find out that it won't work due to the fact that I need a lot to be satisfied sexually. There is also the man that thinks he can handle me, and then finds out that I am a bit too much (this is with in my vanilla dating).  Then the question arises can I live without being submissive? Without my masochism fulfilled? And I don't think I can... I would always be searching, or pushing one to give me what I need, want and desire...and off a running one will go.

I must not give up hope.

Another Dating Update.

I had two lunch dates monday, both men were wonderfully sweet kind and well rounded, intelligent capable of deeper conversation which never led to sex. Both are vinella, first man had such a sweet innocence, that I found very enduring. Second man, was a little rougher but in a good way, kind well meaning and we had a wonderful conversation that made me lose track of time.

First guy was the one you could take home to mom and mom would love. Second one was one you could take home to mom and she would say "Why?" And what one do you think gave this girls tingles....you are right, that latter wins.

We had a wonderful time talking about everything (I hit all the stuff you are not supposta talk about on a first date/meet) from kids to politics and a little touch on religion, form lifes struggles. It was nice, I learned a lot about him, as he me. We talked so much I lost track of time; I needed to get my girls off the bus. He walked me to my car, gave me a great big bear hug...it felt so nice to be held like that, so close and tight. I had a hard time letting go, so did he. Then a kiss followed.... a lovely sweet, passionate kiss, making me weak in the knees. I could've stayed there for all of time, so nice and cozy. But thy children awaited thy mother... thus we had to part ways.

We talked on the phone that night, getting to know each other even better. Of course at this point sex came up, which open the doors for me to feel him out, and he I. We discussed a little of our likes and dislikes...and found out we both like to make the other happy. Should be a win/win for sure. Then we talked again last night and got a little more in depth, I got to open a bit more about my kinky likes...he did not hang up. lol

He began to encourage me to share more...and that is not easy for me to do, expressed seeing as I really like him. I did tell more about the more extreme stuff and he was fine with it. Even said he would like to explore that side of me with him. We shall see.

I am a happy girls as of now, smiling from ear to ear.

But of course the little voice in my head is filling me with all of the negative thoughts. The "he is using you, all he wants is one thing, he does not want to get to know you, he is telling you a bunch of lies, run, run, run!!!" Yes that is what the voice is saying, and I don't want to listen.

This is where I am at in my dating game.

Oh yeah I had a wonderful night Saturday with some amazing kinky sex. Unfortunately that man does not make me weak in the knees and tingly inside. Funny how stuff works out.

Dating UpDate

I had 3 dates this week.

The first date, was a man half my age...he was super nice and we had a lot to talk about but the age difference does bother me. I had told him that and he understands but we both agreed that we would like to continue to talk as friends. He also gives
great insight into the male mind that boggles me so.

The second date was with a man who was quite norrotic, but very entertaining  We ended up spending the afternoon together and I truly enjoyed myself but I do not see much potential and I don't think he did as well.

Third date was this afternoon, we had tons to talk about and he relates as a Dom/sadist but there was no connection there for me, and you can not fake a connection; at least I can't. 

Tomorrow I am going to see the guy I met last monday for a mee/date. I shall see where that goes. I like him we have enough in common and he is willing to venture more into my kink. I am slightly afraid I will scare him, I guess I will see with in time.

I can't visit with my subbie this week for my Aunt Flow decided to make an appearance so we have to put that off for next week.

I have a million thoughts running through my head, but can't seem to get them in writing. Maybe tomorrow, not like anyone is looking forward to any of my senseless ramblings lol But they always help me put perspective on things.

Snow Break and Where I am At.

My kiddos are on "spring" break...and spring break up north can be sunny and in the late 70s or it can be snowy and in the 20s. Well this year my kiddos got snowy and in the 30s. Watch next week it will be sunny and in the 70s. lol Gotta love this time of the year.

Can't say I will be doing a lot of writing on here for the week, they tend to take over everything, I mean everything.

Dating has been ehhh... meet up with two gentlemen on Friday, one for lunch and the other for coffee. A back to back deal. Such fun!

The one is the Substitute School Teacher, so very sweet...I think I would scare the heck  out of him if he got to know me well. Very, very vanilla, and very, very ordinary...slightly boring but super sweet. I hate this part, I hate finding a guy who is so sweet and kind, but would not have a clue on how to handle me. He would be good as far as being dependable. But I would grow bored with ease.

The second guy is a 16 year sober lawyer, a self proclaimed honest lawyer...lawyer and honesty has to be the biggest oxymoron I have ever heard (it took all of me to refrain for being a smart ass and saying that). But I must say thus far he has been super straight up. Anyone that admits that they are a recovering heron addict, takes a lot of courage... especially on the first meeting. Though I was also straight up about my girls father which left him a open door opportunity. I don't think we would work as a couple but I can see being friends. He does fascinate me... and I so do love fascinating people.

I am going to take some advice of my fellow blogger's and reopen my Fetlife account and see if I can meet more like minded people, and maybe along the way meet a man that would better suet my needs. It will be a scary process for me but I feel it may be good to add that along with my vanilla dating.       

My sweet subbie and I have been trying to find time to hook up and play, which has been hard for us to arrange, for my kiddos are on spring brake this week and his are on spring brake next week. I am looking forward to it. Little ole me Domming a big guy, that would be something for sure...and my little tease has been out in full force.

That be my update for the week, now time for me to get the kiddos to clean...oh such fun.

Dating Up Date.

I don't know what I am doing here, I am drifting more and more away from this TTWD. Finding a Dom is not easy, nor practical. I am finding going that route, that there are more jerks just wanting one thing, and it is killing me inside; I have been there more than not and I am tired of it.

Being me gets me in to trouble, (especially my sexuality)  as I have said a million time before... men like bitches, and I don't want to be that...and,  I am tired of giving more of me than anyone truly deserves, my goodness has been nothing but a curse. Maybe though, just maybe I can find someone that is able to appreciate that about me.... and all my other silliness...and not take advantage of my sexuality or not run, as far as they can, as fast as they can...because I am something else (so I have been told more than once).  

This leads to the dating game of course, I have been talking to a few seemingly nice men... I consider nice to be someone who does not bring up sex with in the first few e-mails, Good god what am I coming into. And *claps hands* they are interested in me, getting to know me...getting to know me??? Wow! I know sex will come up...but at least when it does they already know more of me... I then do not become an object that is disposable. Also I am talking to older men (not super old, 8-12 year difference) I tend to have better luck that way, I have always dated older men for the fact that they appreciate women more. They are more secure, more accepting of who they are... no pretenses. Any time I have dated men close to my age (I have never dated younger) it has never been good, in any way.

So Friday I am meeting up with a substitute school teacher in the AM, we talked on the phone (no texting or endless e-mails, actual old school talking on the phone) for over an hour, just getting to know the little things about each other. It was nice, very nice. And in the evening I will be meeting an other gentlemen, he drives for a medical equipment company (I don't know why I am putting that out there lol). Both men live super close by which is very nice.

I am talking to an artist, and musician who also writes, both of course having day jobs. One is close to my age and no kids, which tends to be difficult... though I so do love the arts. The other has kids but also close to my age.

Poly guy, we are still talking but he and his wife are taking a step back from the scene. Which is a good thing, it gives him and I a chance to build a solid friendship;  both he and I agree that is the best angle if anything was to ever become of us. And it is nice to have a friend who understands me, even the deep dark scary parts and does not runaway. 

My subie and I had a date last week, and I have not heard from him since that day... though that is typical of him and through are conversation he warned me of that, so I is not worried. He is a very sweet man that does not look subbie at all... big Italian man, deep voice... assertive in his mannerisms.... this is way one should not judge a book by its cover. I was shocked but in a pleasant way... I have a thing for bigger men, not fat...just bigger, they are more lovable (kids father was, and my teddy bear as well) also I love hugs that I can feel.

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

If You Can't Defeat it Fake it.

I am excited Friday I get to meet my subbie friend to see if we will click. If not I feel we could become good friends, and I could use that more than anything else at this point in my life.

I am also going to force myself to be in a better mood, I hate my grey days they seem to happening more then my happy sunny shine days.

So if I can't defeat it I will fake it; I will feel in color, so be it yellow abundant, with streaks of orange, and maybe a dab of red for a little fire... a wave of blue for some calm, green for balance, and rainbow sparkles for a little glint and shine... why not some pink for the little girls who just wants to come out and play. Yes I will fake colors for feelings.    

My Saturday Night Date

My second date went well with poly guy, I am going to need a better nickname...

He came over and we had some wine and just talked, it was nice, it allowed for a better comfort level. But of course talking eventually leads to a little more, and that was nice as well. I have not had that kind of intimacy since sir.

A tattoo on the back allows one with a good lead to my ass, as seeing a tattoo is there as well. As soon as he grabbed me by my hips I was butter melting to his touch...kissing my ass...good god, I miss that kind of attention (my ass is worth a little worship) and he enjoy enjoyed squeezing, slapping and grabbing, I was a very happy girl. He worked his way up to my lips; he was a wonderful kisser, passionate, almost a passion that is as strong as mine.

He then grabbed me by my ass to lift me up to grind on his oh-so hard cock ageist his rough jeans, lifting me up higher to kiss my neck, sending tingles down my spine making me even more weaker and responsive to his touch. At that point all I wanted to do was go to my knees to play with him... unzipped his pants and take out what he had for me, to put him in my mouth and taste him...lick him make him moan  then suck on his soft balls taking into my mouth sucking softly... to receive some-more soft moaning from him...licking and sucking Oooh how much I love to lick and suck.... he seemed to like it as well which makes me only go fourth and put more wonderful effort into it... and appreciate being able to do such.

He pulled me up once again to his mouth to kiss and take in.. getting his neck and down to his chest for a slight nibble on his nipple to be thrown down on the couch for him to fall on top of pressing his hardness ageist me.... then rubbing me making me moan out loud as he rubbed on my clit, then my pussy, down to my back whole... making me scream in delight, than a nice slap on my bum with a deep grab.

There was a lot of touching of my body me touching him. I love touch, not just of my privets but every part of me. When aroused it seems every caressing is intensified, like warm prickles of delight. Then he would pull me be the legs kissing my calf's working to my feet, creasing, kissing and sucking sweetly on my toes. Complete Bliss.

He has fabulous eye contact which is another thing I love, eyes show so much of a person, gives an idea of them....his eyes are deep, powerful, full of the right amount of dark to make me wet in anticipation in what he could do to me.

I ask for a slap in the face... which he happily complied to... feeding the fire of need, giving me the rush .. that only makes me want more... bringing me back up for a passionate kiss... me falling to my  knees to feed my need to please worshiping his hardness and the softness under the hardness...Me then backing up and sitting on the couch with legs spread, he eagerly rubbing me again makes me squirm and sequel in absolute delight.

The two of us just playing and feeling each other out...he tenderly touching my cheek, teasing me taking his hand up in jest to slap me again....me getting comfortable no longer anticipating for the sting across my cheek then without warning a slap bringing the fire and longing back, making me want to be completely be complaint with any demand he would throw at me. 

He then pushed me down to take his lovely hardness in my mouth as deep as I could. He took my legs to wrap around his neck slapping my ass, rubbing me kissing my legs, rubbing and kissing my feet, making me moan more. As I was enjoying the moans escaping his mouth with ever lick, every time I would take him deep. The intensity was building up even more, and then the night coming to an abrupt end as his curfew hit.

I did get a little more rubbing to make me wiggle and anticipate for the next time we would meet up.

No sex was to be had, a rule of his and his and his wife, which worked well as it was my time of the month also I like the idea of holding that aspect of it off.... it allows us to get to know more about each other by just touch, and lips to taste and get use to the newness.

The Wonders of My Dating Life

This chatting stuff is quite entertaining.

So today I was chatting  with a man who claims to a Dom, Oooh me, Oooh my... very, very interesting  His deal is he is coming out my way for business and wanted to meet up for a play date.

I like to play and I love to play with players(I never play with good men, i do have a conscious)  ...I know it is wrong but they set themselves up by being so darn stupid. I tried to keep the conversation on a getting to know each other, knowing already what direction this was going.... seeing how long it would take him. As you all could imagine, the direction went right to sex and expletive sex, byond likes and dislikes or limits....so after playing with him a bit, teasing, seeing how far he would go with it, I ask "once all is done and over with what would you do?" His answer was leave..."bleeep!!" wrong answer...I took my time then corrected him, and then he corrected his answer to fit mine.....Notta!! going to happen also I would never do a one night stand like that. But it is so fun to play with a player....

My date with the poly guy is today, I think the two of us covered possibly everything there is to cover...from  our hobbies, our faults, are likes and dislikes, the what ifs.. negative and positive; what we are both looking for, e-mail after e-mail...with detail, not just on sex but the whole experience.

I have never ever in my whole life fallen upon such an open man, (Sir was but never at this level) I am amazed at how open he has been with me, which has open the door for me to be more open. I have never ever been as open as I have been with him (I was very open with Sir but did start to shut down, for fear of him being scared of me, and my depth...then the feeling) I am in hopes that I will remain to be open, I tend to shut down when I start having stronger feeling towards anyone.

We both have the same fear of not having the physical connection but we both also no there is a connection no matter how it will work out.

I have thought and over thought about him being in a open marriage. I also realize that he will date other women as well. I am not apposed to that and was not apposed to that with Sir...(I actually liked the idea, he could get what he could not get from me) . It allows me to further my fascination with with well everything...I do love exploring the human mind and all of its wonders.

Also good writing materiel.

Foolish Girl or Just Plain Fun?

I am a glutton for punishment...a true masochist in every sense,  I shake my head at myself and say girl why do  you do the things you do?...and after doing that I still do what I want.

I have been talking to a man who is in a poly relationship with his wife, *asks one self why* I think my love to experience all the craziness that life has to offer, or I am the biggest commitment phob out there, i will go with the latter.

And yes it has been more then consider, with a date being set up.

Oh me, oh my...all I can do is laugh at my foolishness, I so do embrace my foolishness with my foolish pride.

I am very excited to meet him, we have a lot in common. Both having a strong interest in art, we both love the same kind of music, he loves being out in nature, very honest, very fourth coming...we have both put a lot of are rubbish on the table, and both having an understanding of that rubbish. We both have a dark side, both are understanding and non judgemental. He is interested in exploring his more Dominate side,(this is something his wife has no interest in at all) and well, as a sub that naturally integers me. Now that aspect of him or I was not brought up till we decided to set up a date.

Also this kinda set up allows me to play Dom with the other guy I met...I am really thinking it could be lots of fun.

I feel good about both, but I will only know with meeting up and time.

This shall be fun, if not fun it shall be interesting.