Taking Me To Another Place

This is a story of Consent/Non Consent, it may be disturbing to some.

 

  Kids are on vacation, I get to write on my blog, catch up with friends, and have some peace and quiet...not so sure how I am liking the peace and quiet right now, just a tad too quiet.

Everything is going phenomenal with J, I could not ask for a better Dom at this point in my life. We are building things up slowly. We had a first real intense scene a couple of weeks back, that was the most intense I have had as far as being pushed to the edge. He took me to a place in my head that I did not think could be dragged out of me, even wondered if I had it in me. I did.

We decided to do a consent/ non consent scene. I was not sure how that would work with me being so submissive... to my amazement it worked.  He brought the feisty Irish out of me, and the bull headed Pollock I try to deny...not necessarily convince others.  

The scene started off with me entering the hotel room with notes telling me what to do, he not being there at all. I did what the notes told me to do and waited for him, wondering what he had planned, but trying not to think too much.

He entered the room, no hello, no hug, no kiss...just business, one of his notes was not clear so I did not do it and he was a bit frustrated with that, though he realized how I could get confused. So together we but on restraints and as soon as that was done he took over. It was somewhat shocking to me to see him so aggressive right away, I was slightly taken aback. He had only showed me that side once because I called him out on it, and he showed me, I knew he had it in him but not to that intensity.

He pulled my by the hair, put me where he wanted me...called me a few not so nice names. Slapped me in the face a few times slowing getting me into that head space, I so desired to be. He forced me to go down on him, to take his cock in my mouth to suck, swallow and gag. Got me close to one of my biggest fears with TTWD and that is throwing up. Me no like that, not one little bit. I was able to hold back.

He then had me go lay on the bed, tummy down, and began to slap my ass, then bringing out his belt, a nice thick leather one and swung it a few times before it would land on my ass with a loud thump, me yelping out ouch and fuck, which only made him do it longer, sticking to one spot the spot which he bruised pretty bad the previous week.

After that he begin to use my body, to fuck me, and fuck me hard, while slapping me and spitting on me getting me deeper and deeper into that head space. I cried out my ass got wiped, I tried be quiet and my ass got wiped till I cried out...no cunning my way out of it, though I tried and the more I tried the more aggressive he got. The power feed was very intense, and pushing me even deeper into that head space.

He order me to fuck him on top, that gives one little girl too much control, especially when she was at the point of fighting for the control...yes he brought me to the point of breaking my submissive, he got me pissed and loathing him, he got me fighting, and doing all I could do to regain any kind of control. Then put me on top, what is more controlling than making a man cum when he is not ready. But that was not good enough I decided to continue after he came and it made him a bit uncomfortable, which gave me even more control with being on top, so I continued with a cold smirk on my face, and well that pissed him off even more. I did truly did not know I had that much fight in me, I knew I had some, but not to that extent. I kept on pushing him as I was going deeper and deeper into that head space.

He took me and threw me on my back and straddling me, slapping and spitting on me...I at one point looked at him and said "don't you fucking dear bruise my face" (by the way he wouldn't) he looked at me sternly and said "you can call out yellow" but I choose to stay definite as I was deep, deep in my head. And I was going to push and I was going to not give in....what a rush of adrenaline. Mind you he is 6'2 and about 250 a pretty big guy...but I still wanted to piss him off, to see how far he would go. He began to whip my ass with his belt; I still chose to be definite. Then a moment of "oh shit, maybe it is time to give in" one last hard whip to my feet and then my lower back, upper behind (that place fucking hurts like a bitch) and I gave in...and I was crying, and laughing, and thinking maybe laughing is not a good thing at this time; so I hid my head and shut down to that comfy place in my head.

He lay back up by the pillows of the bed, asked me nicely to come up with him. I did not want to, I was too much in my head space and loathing him. But I did anyway. He talked me down, respecting my boundaries...letting me be, making sure I was alright. Getting me to hate him less, getting me to soften up. I was struggling with crying and laughing all at the same time. I started to get out of my head space, warming up to him, and was lovey, dovey with in a split second.

After all was said and done, I loved it. I trusted that he would not take me any further then I could handle and he did that. I did want to go deeper, but realized that the scene ended when it needed to end. It built a higher level of trust with him, and showed me he is as dark as me but capable of assessing the scene, and knowing when to end it.

We did try again to do a dark scene Wednesday  but it did not work out so well, we started out lovey, dovey and ended up joking around way too much with me doing most of the joking around...which did end up leaving me with a very black and blue behind.

It is safe to say, I am up to doing that again...and upon re reading that I am questioning my sanity. lol 

I Got to Top, Little Ole' Me Topping.

Sleeping in is sleeping in and I so do love to sleep.

I hate when I do not want to write, I don't want to write because things are going well, and if I write things are going well then somehow, I don't know how...things will somehow fall down all around. But I hate that I only write when things are not so good, what is the point to have only documented that of the bad and not the good.

I think I am done now with the nonsense rambling, I think?

Things are  wonderful with new Dom, I feel super content, wanted, needed, cared for, everything wonderful that one can hope for. I know I should continue to date but as of now I feel no need for it, I feel it would only complicate and confuse me.

But I still remain talking to a couple of the guys I have met through dating. The man I was talking with who was polly and submissive, we ended up going to the dungun together (as friends) tis fun trying to get two subbies together.... Which you wanna do? what do you want to do? No what do you want to do? I don't know? What are you thinking of? I don't know, what are you thinking of?...Yep can be a long night lol

So with that being said, that is kind of how our night started off down at the dungun. He wanted so badly to meet a Domme, I kept asking him what he wanted from a dommie all I got a lot of uncertainty (subs are a pain in the ass, I have been scratching my head as to wondering why Doms even deal with us lol) finally I got him thinking or he got me thinking....but I throw the offer out there again that I would be more than happy to Top him in the me playing the sadistic manner, if that is what he was looking for. He finally took up my offer. And I was more than up for it after teasing me that I could not put enough umph to cause him any pain. I so loathe when people underestimate my size.

I went and picked out a few implements, as he got undressed and laid on the table. I was a bit unsure of myself... worrying I would either be to gentil, or to hard. I started off with a few gentil tosses with a flogger and got a little more aggressive, maybe a bit too much so I was asked to tone it down. I did, it was not as much fun toned down, so I choose one of the other implements. A thick leather swatty thingy, it had a good thump, and loud crack to it. Also left his back a nice pinky/red color, then I went to a thinner brown leather thingy that had a super nice slapy sound, and leaving some sweet welts. He laid back as if in a massage parlor, every now and then I would get a good hard whack to get a reaction or grimace from him, then he would ask me to slow down, I reminded him that he is lucky he is starting off with a sub, a Domme would not be so giving lol. Not saying it was easy for me, he was kinda pissing me off, I wanted to say "Man it up" but seeing as the both of us are learning I thought better of it.

It was nice, I truly enjoyed beating his back...making it red, and welted and to top it I gave him a few little bruises. I am  kinda proud of myself, it is nice to know I can bring that aspect of me out, and not fear of hurting someone who would not want otherwise. It was also nice to know I could bring someone else to a happy/content state of mind. I am looking forward to bringing him even further into the bliss that pain can bring. But I also know that the closest to Domming anyone would be through pain, I could not do any sexule domming. Good thing for him and I, neither of us are looking for that aspect. Happy, happy, joy, joy all around.

I am looking forward to seeing where this may or may not go, I think he is as well.

 

A Little Something To Say, After Not Having Much To Say.

Good god of all I am without things to say...at least during the day. At night all of my thoughts, worries  fears, realizations come... even stories to tell; but by the time the AM hits they disappear like fog in the night, to daylight.

What should a loss for words woman do? Just so ones does not stop doing something she loves.

Pay homage to my blog?

Maybe pictures?

More music?

Maybe a lot of randomness? I do random well

Random it is...




I did a stupid thing, I do stupid well to. I met a man on Fet and invited him over.. on the fly, no first public meet. I survived, knowing it was stupid. The guy even told me as he was leaving that I should not let strange men in through my back door. Good advice from a strange man who came in through my back door. Strange things here, strange things there, strange things everywhere...I think I shall take his advice, though I so do hate to take advice....even the good kind.

I have been chatting with a couple of interesting possibilities on Fet (no I won't be inviting them to come over through my back door) I am planning on meeting the him in a public place next Monday, I have been chatting with him for about a month now...consistent chatting so I am feeling it is OK to move to the next level   The other guy of interest I have been only chatting with for a few days, so I shall see where that goes with in time, as only time will tell.

I have been doing an assessment of the past year, Looking into my past three relationships (being ones that lasted over a couple of months) trying to find where I went wrong, what I would've done different, and why I did what I did and/ or reacted the way I did to certain things. I have realized if I don't reevaluate my past how can I change my future (I feel a Bob Marley song coming on, good thing you all can't hear me sing lol) I feel thus far I am approaching matters in a more healthy way (as far as dating goes) for myself. I have noticed I have got my strength back, I am no longer vulnerable and I have been able to be clear with my wants and needs... and expectations;  also I have been better at asking the ones I am chatting with to be clear with me, and I have been clear with them.

I am as always a work in progress, a ramble of words, as contradictory as ever, constantly growing and being cut back to grow some more. Tis fantastic to be human... to be alive and continue to evolve.

I hope to catch up on reading all the blogs I so do enjoy, my head has been in such a ramble that I can not focus long on any one given  thing.

Hey!!! looky, I had things to say. Yay me!!

Degradation.

Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs  I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.

But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.

Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?

Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF

I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.

Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.

Me Dom??? Seriously!!!

I so do love the men I meet in this on line dating thingy...

There is this guy I talked to before I met Sir, he was trying to get me to Dom him, LOL. Me!! Dom!! too funny.

He is very quite insistent on it. As soon as I get back on to the dating sight, he messages me...now mind you I have told him I do not play Dom, I am like him and submissive but you know men... they only hear what they want to.

But, I was thinking this could be fun... why not, I have tried it before...but said man was a wimp (a masochistic sub should not Dom, one ends up making the assumption that a bottom can take as much pain as ones self) poor guy, don't think he knew what he was in for...but he learned right quick.

So this guy's kink is going down on women, he likes to lick and lick a lot... could be fun.. could be.

I could be bossy, I could... I think...oh hell...maybe.

I think I should try just for the hell of it.... though Domming seems like a lot of work.
Do this...
do that..
up, down..
turn around,
sit, kneel...all sorts of different orders,

and I would have to be the one that has the final say, make up my mind, for just not me but another.... Oooh...ummm...  that sounds like to much work for a little lickty, lick. Don't you think?

But could be fun, I will have to think a little more about it...  though it could not hurt. I could see what it feels like being a Dom first hand. I could do it, sure I can....think.

And what women does not like a little poo-nanny loving? (Shame on my vulgarness) lol

I  

My Take On Sadism

Sadism 

I have been wanting to write a post on sadism for some time, and no time like the present to do it.

I feel  a sadist has it harder then a masochistic does, it is look down upon society even more so then that of a masochist   

I feel often when someone hear sadism, they think of horrific humans that commit horrific crimes ageist humanity... and there are such people but to lump it all in one category is bias.

Here is my brake down.

You have your sociopath sadist, who lacks any empathy... who does things for the pure pleasure that he/she seeks for self.

You have sadist that have other mental issues, or low self esteem, they are capable of empathy but lack any self control

Then there are the sadist who are well rounded, they are capable of self control, and are empathetic.

The latter of the three seek the companionship of a willing partner, the latter of the three are capable of compassion and care.

I have heard of true Sadism, I guess it is that compassion and sadism do not go hand in hand... I do not get that way of thinking. I feel as with in life there are varying degrees in how things can be defined. The definition in its self could be seen as vague, but in my opinion it is pretty straight forward.

 sa·dism  

Noun The tendency to derive pleasure, esp. sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. (in general use) Deliberate cruelty. Now nothing is spoken of lack of compassion, or empathy. It bugs me so much because I feel as I read other blogs that a lot of times sadist seem to be to hard on themselves. Compassion can go along with sadistic desires; you can care for the one you hurt as long as you have the consent there is nothing wrong at all with fulfilling the need inside.  Also as a masochistic I need to know that the sadist cares, it makes it all the more magical....all the more passionate and meaningful.    Now I need to feel that way about being a masochist lol

A Prelude to BDSM

     I think I am getting a hang of this! Of course as soon as I think I am getting a hang of something, somehow another thing will trip me up. So far good, I will stick with the positive and allow no negative. Must be a positive experience or else I will give up before I begin.  Now I will need to start thinking of what to write about. There is so much but where to begin, a sputter of thoughts in the mind of a lost soul. I guess I will start with the beginning of my fascination with the BDSM lifestyle.

      I have always had a darker sense of myself, hidden inside a shy, somewhat awkward girl. Growing up in a single household, my mother was very strong willed and instilled in her girls a sense of independence. To never depend on anyone, to stand alone, to be strong without tears, and most of all never ever show any weakness to anyone, ever! With that said, I have always been ashamed of my thoughts of wanting to belong, to be someone else property.

      I never fantasized about the white knight, or prince charming. Always my dream guy was somewhat dark, seductive, cruel, yet underneath it all kind, giving and protective. I needed him as well as he needed me for my kindness and servitude my willingness to give and be what he willed. That thought process goes against everything I was taught as a child by my mother. I know my mother meant well, I know my mother only wants the best for her girls as I do with mine. But it made me ashamed of myself, thinking I was weak minded, feeling of worthlessness, for just being me.

     As I got older, I became very protective of myself, starting building walls around my emotions, never allowing anyone in. That included my relationships with friends as well as potential boyfriends. I had close girlfriends; I was always there for them. But rarely would I share my feeling, always being the strong one, the untouchable one. So when I would fall emotionally I would push all around me away, as mom said "never ever show any weakness to anyone, ever!"  I listened well. A very obedient child I was indeed.

     I have not been in many long term relationships do to the walls. I chased guys away that showed interest in me, and the jerks... I used before they could use me. My fantasies were my main way of getting off, per say.

Very rarely, if at all I could I find a man that would satisfy my needs. Can't say I made it easy. What I truly wanted I could never admit to out loud. To admit to someone my desires would cause heart failure, especially a lover.   

  I experiment more in my early 20s, finding assorted lovers none that made much of an impression on me. None that I could express myself to without feeling judged... at least that is what I thought. Now looking back on it I am sure there were one or two I could have been more open with and maybe they could of gave me what I wanted. But then I would have to admit to myself who I truly was, admit my true essence, and that went against every grain of how I was brought up.

      Life went on, one disappointment after another. Hiding my true self...  I was living in my fantasy world. Then I met the one, my love. How I wanted to give him the world.... just to submit to his desires, to be all his and no one else. But of course I played the hard ass role, I became very good at it, too good. I did give him the best I could, I ask more of him then I did anyone else. He was giving and loving... I was lucky so I thought. But I fell in love with an alcoholic and drug addict. He was never physically abusive to me, but the ups and downs of an alcoholic/drug addict are abusive enough, all on their own.

     I was so in love, and as loyal to him... as it is my nature to be. That I stayed with him till his death, and then my world changed.

     Took me six years to come to terms with his death, six years to heal, six years to redefine myself, I took the time to look deep into what I wanted, what I needed. To re adjust my behaviors, to ask myself the important questions, to become "ME" the true me, not the one created by circumstances or by the so called "Norm". I was slowly coming out of my shell but still hiding from the world. Around the six year anniversary of his death I decided to put me back out there, and that is what girl did... what a ride. I was able to experiment without guilt, what a freeing feeling to finally be me, the true me.

     I have learned quite a bit about myself with in the last year or so. I now accept my true submissive nature; I embrace it with wide open arms. I just needed to find someone that was willing to grow with me, teach me, guide me... use me. And lucky me I did or he found me, whichever way it works. Sir has been an eye opener for me, has been wonderful thus far... everything I thought a dominant male should be and more. He can bring me to my knees, bring me to tears, bring me to kiss his feet, and embrace his body. I belong to him, and would have it no other way.