Kink, I and the Forever Changing Tides

    Kink has taken an odd turn for me since being with J; some of my stronger fantasies have shifted to wanting to have, to not wanting at all. My wanting to add other into the room has diminished, the thought does not thrill me, does not turn me on like it has in the past.

I have been trying to search out the reason to why. Maybe it is the consistency in which he sees me. Although I have had other consistent relationships and the fantasy still were very strong, almost insatiable. Yet with him they are not, they kind of just faded till they dropped out of my mind. He, a few weeks back brought up bringing someone in to the bedroom to fulfill one of my fantasies and I just blankly stared at him, thinking "how dare he make such a suggestion" knowing clearly that it was a fantasy of mine not his.

So why do I have such a change of heart? What is different in me? What is different in this relationship verse others? And most of all, what the hell has he done with me? Is it growth; am I a growing in the sense of what I want from another? Has he shown me what it is that I truly desire, but am too afraid to admit that I am capable of giving more of myself then the superficial? Oh so my questions to ask myself and so many answers to search for.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of things I still want to do, try and discover within myself but they are just not the same as they were before.

Maybe I am afraid of the consequences of TTWD can bring, for I have paid my dues with that by jumping into too much too quick with the wrong person. But still that should not affect my fantasies seeing as I still had them even after failed first time with this TTWD. So that is not it.

Maybe I am growing board, and desensitized to the kink, that I am searching for something in my life that is more meaningful, not saying that kink in not meaningful, I still love certain aspects of it, I still want to discover more, just not like the way I did a couple months back.

I am no less submissive, maybe having a harder time letting go of myself....but that is a whole other blog post so I will leave that one be for now.

I guess all in all, the simplest answer for me would be things come and go and even come back again. I am happy to see some of my darker fantasy drift out of my mind, I am happy I am getting a better understanding of my needs, wants, and what the difference between the two are.

 Growth!!!

When will I be big enough? lol   

Self Doubt

I started this blog for someone who did not care, I shared so much of me with someone who had no intentions in truly getting to know me. I continued this blog to heal, a testament to my truth; which now I question. I hold on to this blog hoping that I will find my truth, I will see though my lies... I will learn and continue the journey, and hope that I will grow.

 I am struggling with warding off self doubt.

I have such a wonderful man in my life, and that is what I wanted. I have someone who does not demand too much of my time, and that is what I need. So why do I question?

I need to find some peace of mind, some solace in side. I need to learn to take things in stride but it seems to be a constant struggle. Why do I struggle with such a simple thing? I just need to let things be, not to worry constantly about the other shoe falling when both are on securely.

I don't understand how to be secure in a relationship, I don't understand how to let the moment hold me captive, after he is gone. As soon as he walks out the door I question the meaning of it all, I am full of self doubt. I have not had anyone since my girls father show me such care and affection. It is odd to me, I am not use to this. I am constantly question if it is real, when is he going to run? Why has he not yet? Why does he stay, when I have tried? This scares me, it scares me to care this much, and even scarer is he seems to as well.

I question my judgment, I think it sad that I can't even trust myself. But to many  times I have fooled myself into seeing something that was not real, I lied to myself trying to convince myself that my reality laid within a false reality which was never mine. How can I trust me, when I don't even know what is real?




I stand by just watching myself move in out of days. I do stop to take notice of all that is wonderful in my life; which is so much...but beside that I just ponder and question myself, so much self doubt and I don't know how to move forward to let the self doubt go.



  

Questions I Need To Ask Myself

I am thinking that I need to start keeping up with writing here, there is so much going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it out. Writing does help me a great deal in the sorting. I just need to push myself to keep up with doing it.

I am struggling with being submissive and what it means to me. I as of late have been thinking what am I doing with this? Where am going and what will become of me? I often lose myself in the things I do, I grow tired of the old and search for the new...a different kind of thrill, a different kind of escape. 

Yet I am me in this spot, I have grown more, and more as I accept me for me. But yet I fear that this me, the true me will end up hurting more and regressing back into a shell. 

I am confused in to why I feel this way?

I think I am afraid, I am afraid of giving that part of me again and feeling abandoned once again. Used. That was too much, too soon, with someone who did not deserve that part of me. But now I am wary, and don't know what to do about it, but I do know I don't want a repeat of my first experience. I know I can't do that again.

I am scared. 

It all gets real so fast, the realization of what it all is and what it all means. Any person can promise in a million and one ways how they won't betray your trust, how they will be true and honor you and your limits, your expectations. But when it comes down to it each and every promise means nothing, no matter how many ways it is said; all it becomes is empty words in an empty box, leaving one empty.  

Now I am left wondering, once again; what am I doing here, where am I going with this what will become of me if I stay?





  

Why So Insecure?

I have really been neglecting my blog, been neglecting reading other blogs. I miss doing so, but life is life and life plays by its own rules.

Everything is going well with J, not saying there are not bumps in the road because that would be a bold face lie, and I am not so good at lying. 

I have been having my insecure moments, and it makes it harder with all of the traveling he does. And in Anna fashion, I go about over thinking, and thinking over the thinking I just thought over; which leaves me with lots of thoughts of how things can go wrong between J and I, and thoughts of me being fooled. And that leaves me defensive.

 I am fine with the direction our relationship is heading, but also afraid. Feelings are getting stronger, and I fear I am falling for him, (OK I am falling for him and that leaves me so very vulnerable...and feeling so very impressionable.

 I am on guard, waiting for the bottom to drop. For him to not want me anymore, for him to grow bored...for him to want to go back to his ex, though he assured me that it is over, but  when we started talking he told me she was perfect for him ( she just told mislead him one to many times). And well that sticks in a girls head. Especially when his ex-girlfriend got  in touch with him ( a couple months back), telling him her divorce was final and she wanted to get back together, though he did tell her he was seeing someone, I still feel insecure.

 So the story's my mind tells me, is they got back together, and he keeps me around in case the relationship falters again. I did confront him, but not completely telling him why I felt the way I did. I instead accused him (though I did not see it that way) of being married (which does not fit) but more so of having a more committed relationship then what we have. Ok I kind of did say what was going on in my head, just not giving out all the details for me feeling the way I did.

 He was upset at my accusations, and I thought "OK, this is the end" and I cried, the thought of not having him anymore hurt me deep, deep inside, the crushing feeling, like one cannot breathe, or being so thirsty and no water in sight...a very scary feeling to have, to admit to myself that the feeling for him keep getting stronger.

 Instead of him ending it, he came over and we talked, he told me how upset he was; that he is not deceiving me. I expressed the reason why I felt the way I did (but not mentioning the ex), and if he looked at it through my eyes how it could be feasible. He opened up with me about the whys of not being able to spend as much time together. That he is truly almost always in the air (literally), and he confessed some things that he was uncomfortable with sharing right off the bat and I understood. 


I still have my doubts here and there, but trust is something that is built in time, it is not a given, it earned with every new page turned. And I need to read this book slowly....and with every page I will learn more about him, and with every page I will grow to trust him more.            

Struck!

  

     Still without kids, missing them so...but I shall get them back soon.

Things are going great with J and I, I can't be any happier.....thinking of him makes me smile and feel giddy inside. When I am with him, I am with him body and mind, I don't think of the what ifs, I don't think of trying to read his mind, I am just with him, it is odd; I have not had that since my children’s father. I feel comfortable with him, confident, free. I don't need to be careful with what I say, if something stupid flies out of my mouth he just accepts it for what it is. He amazes me, how understanding and patient he is with me. When he compliments me, I believe him without question. I miss him as soon as he walks out the door, and anticipate the next time we will see each other again. And best of all I know he cares for me as much as I care for him, and I don't need to question it, I just know! 

So why is it I am still trying to push him away?

Why is it that I can't just be happy being happy?

So far he has been able to communicate with me when I do something stupid to try to ruin it. But I fear in the next panic it will be the one to scare him away.

I know I need to stay out of my head, to not listen to the voices that tell me everything that could possibly go wrong. I need to accept that he is often going to be out of town, out of the country and that there will be times when we can't meet up due to me not being able to have someone watch the girls. It is so much more simple when one does not get attached, and I did try in the beginning to not get attached but my heart decided to take over on this one....and this one has me in a whole different head space, he has me, I am his; no matter how hard I try to fight it.

All is Going Well.

Busy, hot summer.

I have been with J for over a month now, we have fallen into a nice pattern. I am feeling more secure with the consistency of the relationship. I am trying to not let my over active spinning mind get the best of me, and just enjoying what I have in the present.

We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday, and had a fantastic time.

Are dynamic tends to fall into a soft, hard...easy, intense pattern. We suit each other well, very complementary, his Dom/sadistic to my sub/masochistic. Though at times I find I can not handle as much pain with him as I did in previous relationships, and this has me baffled. I am always bordering on yellow, and even calling out red, this is unlike me. Then after all is said and done, I wish I would've taken more. But in the moment I can't seem to bear it...it could be that he likes to hit every most painful spot he can find on me, it could be that he is quite relentless, and his hand never seems to get tired. It could be that every time I get comfortable and am at the brink of escaping he brings me back, going harder and repetitive in the same spot but not long enough to make that spot numb.

Well I ask for a sadistic sadist (I know you can't get anymore sadistic than that of a sadist) and that is what I got. I am not complaining I love that he is as fierce and as unforgiving as he is, I would be more disappointed if he bent to me, and gave into my every small whimper.  

I have learned not to challenge him, unless I can take the challenge. He will indeed show me, and will do with little to no mercy. He is quite cocky, I usually do not like cocky but he wears it well...just enough humbleness to get away with it.

To top it off, he is incredibly kind, caring and loving. His tenderness is just as intense as his fierceness. He adores my snaky side as much as my loving side, it is nice that I am
able to show him more depth than I have with any other in a long time.

It is nice to have finally found some consistency, I feel very fortunate  to have found him, though I did not think I would find it on fet, but stranger things have happened.

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.

I Got to Top, Little Ole' Me Topping.

Sleeping in is sleeping in and I so do love to sleep.

I hate when I do not want to write, I don't want to write because things are going well, and if I write things are going well then somehow, I don't know how...things will somehow fall down all around. But I hate that I only write when things are not so good, what is the point to have only documented that of the bad and not the good.

I think I am done now with the nonsense rambling, I think?

Things are  wonderful with new Dom, I feel super content, wanted, needed, cared for, everything wonderful that one can hope for. I know I should continue to date but as of now I feel no need for it, I feel it would only complicate and confuse me.

But I still remain talking to a couple of the guys I have met through dating. The man I was talking with who was polly and submissive, we ended up going to the dungun together (as friends) tis fun trying to get two subbies together.... Which you wanna do? what do you want to do? No what do you want to do? I don't know? What are you thinking of? I don't know, what are you thinking of?...Yep can be a long night lol

So with that being said, that is kind of how our night started off down at the dungun. He wanted so badly to meet a Domme, I kept asking him what he wanted from a dommie all I got a lot of uncertainty (subs are a pain in the ass, I have been scratching my head as to wondering why Doms even deal with us lol) finally I got him thinking or he got me thinking....but I throw the offer out there again that I would be more than happy to Top him in the me playing the sadistic manner, if that is what he was looking for. He finally took up my offer. And I was more than up for it after teasing me that I could not put enough umph to cause him any pain. I so loathe when people underestimate my size.

I went and picked out a few implements, as he got undressed and laid on the table. I was a bit unsure of myself... worrying I would either be to gentil, or to hard. I started off with a few gentil tosses with a flogger and got a little more aggressive, maybe a bit too much so I was asked to tone it down. I did, it was not as much fun toned down, so I choose one of the other implements. A thick leather swatty thingy, it had a good thump, and loud crack to it. Also left his back a nice pinky/red color, then I went to a thinner brown leather thingy that had a super nice slapy sound, and leaving some sweet welts. He laid back as if in a massage parlor, every now and then I would get a good hard whack to get a reaction or grimace from him, then he would ask me to slow down, I reminded him that he is lucky he is starting off with a sub, a Domme would not be so giving lol. Not saying it was easy for me, he was kinda pissing me off, I wanted to say "Man it up" but seeing as the both of us are learning I thought better of it.

It was nice, I truly enjoyed beating his back...making it red, and welted and to top it I gave him a few little bruises. I am  kinda proud of myself, it is nice to know I can bring that aspect of me out, and not fear of hurting someone who would not want otherwise. It was also nice to know I could bring someone else to a happy/content state of mind. I am looking forward to bringing him even further into the bliss that pain can bring. But I also know that the closest to Domming anyone would be through pain, I could not do any sexule domming. Good thing for him and I, neither of us are looking for that aspect. Happy, happy, joy, joy all around.

I am looking forward to seeing where this may or may not go, I think he is as well.

 

The Here and Now

So I have a little free time to put thoughts into words. Though not uninterrupted free time...free time nonetheless.

I am trying to process what is going on with my new fling, he is a wonderful man, sweet, kind, giving, funny, a wonderful communicator, open, and willing to be vulnerable with me. I find that
I am not questioning his intent, it is clearly written in his eyes, and what his eyes do not tell his actions portray. There is no uncertainty to his willingness to be true, I do believe what he says, I do not feel he is trying to fool me, pull the wool over my eyes, be a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is real, and I am not frightened by him. I am not intimidated by his openness, his willingness...his vulnerability.  

So what is a girl to do? I could pick him to pieces, try to dig for something gruesome. Make up, make believe stories in my head to make me think he is not who he says. But I don't feel like doing that, I don't feel like running, I don't feel like closing off, or regressing. I don't feel like chasing him away by all means necessary. I really would like him to stay.... I like him, I truly do.

I would like to write down my fears, but my fears are premature they hold no logic or reason, and I am ok with that. I don't feel I need to, I don't feel the need to make something out of nothing, or nothing out of something. I think I will just enjoy this one, I think I will savor the refreshing taste of something real, and easy...something true, not perfect, just right at the right time.

I know without any doubt that no matter what will become of him and I, that it is going to be good. I don't know why, I just know. He is unlike any other man I have met,(my closest  comparison is to my children's father, but not as dramatic) there is just a natural comfort, nothing needing to be forced. Not even needing to get ahead of myself, just easy, breezy...comfortable.

So that is where I am at, not closing the door to other possibilities, just enjoying the here and now.

Kinda how I feel when the wee ones are out of school.

  

Trusting, or Not to Trust?

I came across this saying on facebook, and it got me thinking, you all know where thinking tends to lead me...to a rant, a rambling.









 I have been talking and occasionally seeing a man for over a month, he is not into the kinky, although willing to try with me. He is aware of what I like, I have shared in more detail of what I like with him, then I have ever shared with anyone. He has a way of getting stuff out of me...he is direct. he says he cares and has feeling for me. He listen to my escapades, enjoys hearing about me fooling around with other men, allows me to embrace my sexaulaty. He is a good, and caring lover when we get together. Holds me tight, makes me feel safe, and kisses me on the forehead. He is my safe call, when I go on a play date. He tells me I am beautiful, he accepts my faults, my imperfections.

And what am I doing? What am I thinking?

He has a motive, all men have a motive...I don't know what it is yet. But I know one is there...just lurking in  the corner waiting for me to catch it. And I will...

I am cynical, I know it...I take everyone with a grain of salt. I am wary, I always have been, even as a child. My mother has always taught her girls to be aware of danger at every corner, to the point of maybe paranoia. She meant well, preventing of us of getting used, or hurt. but what she created, was  three girls and one boy who wary of all.

Should I trust, should I let him in or should I push...become cold, impenetrable?

Should I take a risk, do something different? Step out of my safe zone, be vulnerable? I did that and it did not work out so well for me, maybe the wrong circumstances, maybe being vulnerable this time will turn out better than the last.

I guess I will never know, unless I just let myself go.

What is the worse that could happen? Getting hurt? But I could put the walls back up again, just for a little....and maybe take them down again, till I get it right.

One can not grow, unless one takes the risk; so I tell myself...but I never seem to take my own advice. Maybe today or tomorrow or the next day, so on and so forth, forever to repeat itself.

Then again maybe I will just break the cycle.

A Little Something To Say, After Not Having Much To Say.

Good god of all I am without things to say...at least during the day. At night all of my thoughts, worries  fears, realizations come... even stories to tell; but by the time the AM hits they disappear like fog in the night, to daylight.

What should a loss for words woman do? Just so ones does not stop doing something she loves.

Pay homage to my blog?

Maybe pictures?

More music?

Maybe a lot of randomness? I do random well

Random it is...




I did a stupid thing, I do stupid well to. I met a man on Fet and invited him over.. on the fly, no first public meet. I survived, knowing it was stupid. The guy even told me as he was leaving that I should not let strange men in through my back door. Good advice from a strange man who came in through my back door. Strange things here, strange things there, strange things everywhere...I think I shall take his advice, though I so do hate to take advice....even the good kind.

I have been chatting with a couple of interesting possibilities on Fet (no I won't be inviting them to come over through my back door) I am planning on meeting the him in a public place next Monday, I have been chatting with him for about a month now...consistent chatting so I am feeling it is OK to move to the next level   The other guy of interest I have been only chatting with for a few days, so I shall see where that goes with in time, as only time will tell.

I have been doing an assessment of the past year, Looking into my past three relationships (being ones that lasted over a couple of months) trying to find where I went wrong, what I would've done different, and why I did what I did and/ or reacted the way I did to certain things. I have realized if I don't reevaluate my past how can I change my future (I feel a Bob Marley song coming on, good thing you all can't hear me sing lol) I feel thus far I am approaching matters in a more healthy way (as far as dating goes) for myself. I have noticed I have got my strength back, I am no longer vulnerable and I have been able to be clear with my wants and needs... and expectations;  also I have been better at asking the ones I am chatting with to be clear with me, and I have been clear with them.

I am as always a work in progress, a ramble of words, as contradictory as ever, constantly growing and being cut back to grow some more. Tis fantastic to be human... to be alive and continue to evolve.

I hope to catch up on reading all the blogs I so do enjoy, my head has been in such a ramble that I can not focus long on any one given  thing.

Hey!!! looky, I had things to say. Yay me!!

Another Silly Contradictory Rant Of Mine.

    I am torn! I am torn I don't know where to go. I want two things but getting both seems to be an impossible task. I want to be the submissive I am, and have it embraced for what it is. I want a caring but evil sadistic Dominant man to dish out the pain, and control I so desire. But I also want to be loved and cared for like the sweet, kind and giving woman I am.

It is not easy getting all of my wants fulfilled, unless I have multiple partners, but I tend to be very faithful when I find the right one. And truly I am getting tired of being such a slut, my sex drive gets me into more trouble than not. I need to get that under control but it is easier said than done...I always want!

And I am misunderstood more than not, I have no shame in saying what I like (for the most part) and that leads one to see me for just my sexuality. I know the easy fix is not to be so upfront, but then you put time and effort into something, and find out that it won't work due to the fact that I need a lot to be satisfied sexually. There is also the man that thinks he can handle me, and then finds out that I am a bit too much (this is with in my vanilla dating).  Then the question arises can I live without being submissive? Without my masochism fulfilled? And I don't think I can... I would always be searching, or pushing one to give me what I need, want and desire...and off a running one will go.

I must not give up hope.

Another Dating Update.

I had two lunch dates monday, both men were wonderfully sweet kind and well rounded, intelligent capable of deeper conversation which never led to sex. Both are vinella, first man had such a sweet innocence, that I found very enduring. Second man, was a little rougher but in a good way, kind well meaning and we had a wonderful conversation that made me lose track of time.

First guy was the one you could take home to mom and mom would love. Second one was one you could take home to mom and she would say "Why?" And what one do you think gave this girls tingles....you are right, that latter wins.

We had a wonderful time talking about everything (I hit all the stuff you are not supposta talk about on a first date/meet) from kids to politics and a little touch on religion, form lifes struggles. It was nice, I learned a lot about him, as he me. We talked so much I lost track of time; I needed to get my girls off the bus. He walked me to my car, gave me a great big bear hug...it felt so nice to be held like that, so close and tight. I had a hard time letting go, so did he. Then a kiss followed.... a lovely sweet, passionate kiss, making me weak in the knees. I could've stayed there for all of time, so nice and cozy. But thy children awaited thy mother... thus we had to part ways.

We talked on the phone that night, getting to know each other even better. Of course at this point sex came up, which open the doors for me to feel him out, and he I. We discussed a little of our likes and dislikes...and found out we both like to make the other happy. Should be a win/win for sure. Then we talked again last night and got a little more in depth, I got to open a bit more about my kinky likes...he did not hang up. lol

He began to encourage me to share more...and that is not easy for me to do, expressed seeing as I really like him. I did tell more about the more extreme stuff and he was fine with it. Even said he would like to explore that side of me with him. We shall see.

I am a happy girls as of now, smiling from ear to ear.

But of course the little voice in my head is filling me with all of the negative thoughts. The "he is using you, all he wants is one thing, he does not want to get to know you, he is telling you a bunch of lies, run, run, run!!!" Yes that is what the voice is saying, and I don't want to listen.

This is where I am at in my dating game.

Oh yeah I had a wonderful night Saturday with some amazing kinky sex. Unfortunately that man does not make me weak in the knees and tingly inside. Funny how stuff works out.

Music, All About Pain.

I have been busy doing not much of anything at all.

Some music I like, both songs on the darker side of love.

Six Days of Grace "Pain" 

How I can relate on so many levels.

Eminem and Rihanna with "Love the Way You Lie" the ultimate toxic relationship that one can't seem to kick, just like a drug...up and down then up again. Been there, can't say I enjoyed the ride. 

Nothing Kinky Going On Here, But A Girl Tied Up

My thoughts have been racing about; cleaning seems to do that...

I can't seem to put my thoughts in to words, to try to sort them out... to make some coherent meaning, perspective, and understanding.

I shall write and see what the hell comes out.

I have been thinking about my self-esteem... how it is back after being lost for a while. How did I lose it in the first place?

Maybe it is I put too much in when I am with someone, and forget about me. I forget to give me what I need, I start to think I am not good enough, though I know deep down that I am. And I get mad at me, for not giving myself enough credit.

I tend to hold on to relationship longer then I should, I tend to ignore that inner voice telling me that things are not right. I start to feel bad, used, insignificant, lonely, and start seeing myself as less than. I have been here more than once but I have never look deeper into the why of it. I am stuck there.

The only way to not fall into the same pattern is to figure out the whys, I cannot blame the men I have been with, because I make the choice to be with them, and to learn I need to take accountability not to put blame on others.

I am left to ponder, left to try to understand what it is, why is it that I do not trust my inner voice?

Maybe it has to do with my past, in my past before I met my girl’s dad; I never gave much to anybody. I had a philosophy, a way, I played the game... I did not stay with anyone for more than a one night stand and if it should of lasted longer.. I had a 1, 2,.3 strikes you’re out. I had fun confusing, it was quite amusing. I did try to be more to 2 guys, both failed miserably.

When I met my girl’s father he was not going to allow that of me, he was not going to give into my game. He took me for what I was... he adored me for who I was. I never had that before, I was befuddled, scared, mesmerized, I was in aww...and I was gotten, I was his... I became an addict; he was my drug of choice.

Then I got back into the dating game after many years of being out of it. I did not want to fall back into old habits; for old habits were fun, but unfulfilling. I tried to change it up, but unfamiliar with how it works. I am naive, new, I am like a teenager trying to figure it out for the first time, figure out how it works, what to expect, how to ask for what I want. So I try not knowing how to do it. then I fall victim to the same old story, I fall victim to the same old habits.

I suppose it is a learning game, I am a bit behind on the times...I shall be patient and hope I will get a better understanding of the how's and what’s.

  

         

 

Dating Up Date.

I don't know what I am doing here, I am drifting more and more away from this TTWD. Finding a Dom is not easy, nor practical. I am finding going that route, that there are more jerks just wanting one thing, and it is killing me inside; I have been there more than not and I am tired of it.

Being me gets me in to trouble, (especially my sexuality)  as I have said a million time before... men like bitches, and I don't want to be that...and,  I am tired of giving more of me than anyone truly deserves, my goodness has been nothing but a curse. Maybe though, just maybe I can find someone that is able to appreciate that about me.... and all my other silliness...and not take advantage of my sexuality or not run, as far as they can, as fast as they can...because I am something else (so I have been told more than once).  

This leads to the dating game of course, I have been talking to a few seemingly nice men... I consider nice to be someone who does not bring up sex with in the first few e-mails, Good god what am I coming into. And *claps hands* they are interested in me, getting to know me...getting to know me??? Wow! I know sex will come up...but at least when it does they already know more of me... I then do not become an object that is disposable. Also I am talking to older men (not super old, 8-12 year difference) I tend to have better luck that way, I have always dated older men for the fact that they appreciate women more. They are more secure, more accepting of who they are... no pretenses. Any time I have dated men close to my age (I have never dated younger) it has never been good, in any way.

So Friday I am meeting up with a substitute school teacher in the AM, we talked on the phone (no texting or endless e-mails, actual old school talking on the phone) for over an hour, just getting to know the little things about each other. It was nice, very nice. And in the evening I will be meeting an other gentlemen, he drives for a medical equipment company (I don't know why I am putting that out there lol). Both men live super close by which is very nice.

I am talking to an artist, and musician who also writes, both of course having day jobs. One is close to my age and no kids, which tends to be difficult... though I so do love the arts. The other has kids but also close to my age.

Poly guy, we are still talking but he and his wife are taking a step back from the scene. Which is a good thing, it gives him and I a chance to build a solid friendship;  both he and I agree that is the best angle if anything was to ever become of us. And it is nice to have a friend who understands me, even the deep dark scary parts and does not runaway. 

My subie and I had a date last week, and I have not heard from him since that day... though that is typical of him and through are conversation he warned me of that, so I is not worried. He is a very sweet man that does not look subbie at all... big Italian man, deep voice... assertive in his mannerisms.... this is way one should not judge a book by its cover. I was shocked but in a pleasant way... I have a thing for bigger men, not fat...just bigger, they are more lovable (kids father was, and my teddy bear as well) also I love hugs that I can feel.

RESPECT

Respect.. When beginning this TTWD journey with Sir, I went in blind, I dived into the water with out testing  whether it was hot or cold. I did put thought into it, I did think about the what ifs but I did not consider how important respect is to this TTWD. I did not establish a means of respect. I respected him...he was Sir, how could I not but I did not demanded his respect for me as I should of... Respect should of been one of the main building blocks before I even decided to play, even decided to trust. I did not demande it for me and the blame is mine, mine alone. One must establish ones respect early on, put out what they need/want. Show ones pride, put down ones foot and establish ones worth. I did not do it to the full capacity in which was true to me.

Feeling have been awoken once again and "Lesson" now are learned and relearned, so I do not repeat this class again. Every word that will every be spoken to me will be taken with a grain of salt, I will establish "Respect" first before anything else, and yes the wall will be firmly in place, and will be unbreakable as it always should be and should of been. 

I ended up lost in the game and forgot who I was... an easy fool. More damage ended up being done than not. My emotionell being was put aside and when I brought it out...and shit got real...ship was abounded. I can not and will not allow that to happen to me again.

Where is all of this coming from? My emotion have been on soft ground since starting this dating thing again. I tried to push them aside but they would not leave me be so I decided to dig deeper, read some poetry I have written in the past months, look over old post, and a realization came about. I realized I was pushed further then I should of been, I realize I made it all to easy for him to do, I realize, and this is the hardest of the realizations is he did not respect me enough to take any responsibility for my emotionell well being and worse of all I made excuses for it...I did not respect me enough to demanded for proper closure.


I am not angry, I am not resentful (really I am not) I am happy, I am grateful he showed me how important walls are, how important it is to be distant. Self preservation is a must because in the end it is one who has to sweep up the piece and put them back together again. This is a lesson I will not repeat again, I promise myself that. I will RESPECT me enough for if I don't than who will.

This post is an important step for me, it is necessary for me to move to the next crazy thing that will come about. It is my truth, it is not sugar coated, and I have no apologizes, for once in my life I have no apologizes.

Here I Go ....Off, Off and Away

I am a bit happy, I met an older gentleman, a Dom...and he is from my area, which is nice to just be able to chat with someone who has been in this life style for a while, and even better someone from the area who might be able to point me in the right direction, and maybe give me a little guidance for I am in need of that for sure.

I have a date next weekend set up with Mr. Poly guy... I am looking forward to it, and slightly nervous  but I am always nervous when meeting some one, no matter how long I have known them, I still get nervous meeting up, one of the many weird little glitches.

I am having fun, and meeting so many fun and interesting men but I can't get the longing to submit out of my mind... no matter how many times I tell myself I will make a hell of a Domme... and possibly it may be my calling (no laughing) unfortunately  it does not take that longing away.

Yet I also know I need to have these experiences. I always love to learn but could never learn through books. I have to put my hands in it, need to feel it fully for myself to get the better understanding. I am a big believer in you can not judge anyone till you have walked a mile in their shoes. I have been blessed to have walked many miles in different shoes, and have many more shoes and many more miles to go. Each mile I have traveled I have had new revelations and a better understandings of other people, more empathy, and learn with each and every mile that many of my judgement were so misguided.

Here to learning, and many new adventures.....

A Very New Adventure For Me.

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The Wonders of My Dating Life

This chatting stuff is quite entertaining.

So today I was chatting  with a man who claims to a Dom, Oooh me, Oooh my... very, very interesting  His deal is he is coming out my way for business and wanted to meet up for a play date.

I like to play and I love to play with players(I never play with good men, i do have a conscious)  ...I know it is wrong but they set themselves up by being so darn stupid. I tried to keep the conversation on a getting to know each other, knowing already what direction this was going.... seeing how long it would take him. As you all could imagine, the direction went right to sex and expletive sex, byond likes and dislikes or limits....so after playing with him a bit, teasing, seeing how far he would go with it, I ask "once all is done and over with what would you do?" His answer was leave..."bleeep!!" wrong answer...I took my time then corrected him, and then he corrected his answer to fit mine.....Notta!! going to happen also I would never do a one night stand like that. But it is so fun to play with a player....

My date with the poly guy is today, I think the two of us covered possibly everything there is to cover...from  our hobbies, our faults, are likes and dislikes, the what ifs.. negative and positive; what we are both looking for, e-mail after e-mail...with detail, not just on sex but the whole experience.

I have never ever in my whole life fallen upon such an open man, (Sir was but never at this level) I am amazed at how open he has been with me, which has open the door for me to be more open. I have never ever been as open as I have been with him (I was very open with Sir but did start to shut down, for fear of him being scared of me, and my depth...then the feeling) I am in hopes that I will remain to be open, I tend to shut down when I start having stronger feeling towards anyone.

We both have the same fear of not having the physical connection but we both also no there is a connection no matter how it will work out.

I have thought and over thought about him being in a open marriage. I also realize that he will date other women as well. I am not apposed to that and was not apposed to that with Sir...(I actually liked the idea, he could get what he could not get from me) . It allows me to further my fascination with with well everything...I do love exploring the human mind and all of its wonders.

Also good writing materiel.