What Makes Me Feel.

   I have no tears for what cannot feel

I put little value on materialistic things, not saying I do not need or want of things, things do make life easier and more enjoyable, but things do not feed my soul, things do not make me feel with great deep emotion, things do not move me. So a thing may never bring tears to my eyes....with exception to sentimental things but the feeling of loss does  not come from the thing per say, but from a moment, a person, a love, from an accomplishment achieved, the remainder of the joy with in a moment that passed. But even if I would lose something sentimental, my tears would only be for the moments I feel I may have lost.

I think often in today world we get caught up with what we have and what we have not. I don't have much, but I have more than many. I have roof over my head; I have food in my tummy, clothes on my back, clean water to drink. I have a vehicle to drive, to get me from here to there and back again. I have means of communication, and I have other stuff...lots of stuff that holds no importance to me. And I can get rid of stuff with ease, with no tears shed. It does not mean much to me.

I love to paint, and draw; I love the feeling of emotions that come out from doing so, what it represents from my soul, my essence, my inner being. But even my art holds little value in my heart; I can let it go with ease, not a tear to be shed. I really don't even care to make money from my art. I just give it away to family, to friends, it makes me happy to see them happy, to me that is what life is about.

I sometimes get caught up with the competitions of who has more and/ or better stuff. And then after I spent what money I do not have, I get rid of said stuff. It does not fill me, it leaves me empty. Then there are times I feel sorry for myself because I do not have what others have. But if I did would that make me happy? And the answer always is no, no it will not make me happy. It will not feed my soul. Then I think of people who have very little, who have no roof over their head, very little food to feed their tummies, flimsy rags for clothes, and dirty water to drink. Funny thing is they do not feel sorry for what little they have. They live to survive.

So what is stuff? It is momentary, it is replaceable, it does feel and it does not feed the soul. So why do so many put so much value on stuff and little value on the living?

I have no tears for what cannot feel, I have tears for what can feel...I feel for the ones that truly need and I loathe the people who never can have enough, who feel entitled to belittle what can feel, and worship what cannot.

I will shed a tear for humanity, I will grieve for those who have lost what the true meaning of living is, and then after I will celebrate all that I have, and all that I have is the love I receive from the people I have been blessed with in my life. And celebrate the ones that understand what living is all about.

  

Questions I Need To Ask Myself

I am thinking that I need to start keeping up with writing here, there is so much going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it out. Writing does help me a great deal in the sorting. I just need to push myself to keep up with doing it.

I am struggling with being submissive and what it means to me. I as of late have been thinking what am I doing with this? Where am going and what will become of me? I often lose myself in the things I do, I grow tired of the old and search for the new...a different kind of thrill, a different kind of escape. 

Yet I am me in this spot, I have grown more, and more as I accept me for me. But yet I fear that this me, the true me will end up hurting more and regressing back into a shell. 

I am confused in to why I feel this way?

I think I am afraid, I am afraid of giving that part of me again and feeling abandoned once again. Used. That was too much, too soon, with someone who did not deserve that part of me. But now I am wary, and don't know what to do about it, but I do know I don't want a repeat of my first experience. I know I can't do that again.

I am scared. 

It all gets real so fast, the realization of what it all is and what it all means. Any person can promise in a million and one ways how they won't betray your trust, how they will be true and honor you and your limits, your expectations. But when it comes down to it each and every promise means nothing, no matter how many ways it is said; all it becomes is empty words in an empty box, leaving one empty.  

Now I am left wondering, once again; what am I doing here, where am I going with this what will become of me if I stay?





  

Defeated

I give, life wins...I gave it my best, I tried but life is too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".

Ok, I get it, I put myself up to be defeated by challenging life. But a girl gotta try, so I tried; and well a girl gotta learn, I learned. Got to big for my breaches, a little cocky, thinking I knew it all (ok not all, but most). Should know better, but threw caution to the wind anyway; fly than fall, but it is all ok, brush off my knees and do it again; just not up against life. Life is too clever, too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.

Another Silly Contradictory Rant Of Mine.

    I am torn! I am torn I don't know where to go. I want two things but getting both seems to be an impossible task. I want to be the submissive I am, and have it embraced for what it is. I want a caring but evil sadistic Dominant man to dish out the pain, and control I so desire. But I also want to be loved and cared for like the sweet, kind and giving woman I am.

It is not easy getting all of my wants fulfilled, unless I have multiple partners, but I tend to be very faithful when I find the right one. And truly I am getting tired of being such a slut, my sex drive gets me into more trouble than not. I need to get that under control but it is easier said than done...I always want!

And I am misunderstood more than not, I have no shame in saying what I like (for the most part) and that leads one to see me for just my sexuality. I know the easy fix is not to be so upfront, but then you put time and effort into something, and find out that it won't work due to the fact that I need a lot to be satisfied sexually. There is also the man that thinks he can handle me, and then finds out that I am a bit too much (this is with in my vanilla dating).  Then the question arises can I live without being submissive? Without my masochism fulfilled? And I don't think I can... I would always be searching, or pushing one to give me what I need, want and desire...and off a running one will go.

I must not give up hope.

Nothing Kinky Going On Here, But A Girl Tied Up

My thoughts have been racing about; cleaning seems to do that...

I can't seem to put my thoughts in to words, to try to sort them out... to make some coherent meaning, perspective, and understanding.

I shall write and see what the hell comes out.

I have been thinking about my self-esteem... how it is back after being lost for a while. How did I lose it in the first place?

Maybe it is I put too much in when I am with someone, and forget about me. I forget to give me what I need, I start to think I am not good enough, though I know deep down that I am. And I get mad at me, for not giving myself enough credit.

I tend to hold on to relationship longer then I should, I tend to ignore that inner voice telling me that things are not right. I start to feel bad, used, insignificant, lonely, and start seeing myself as less than. I have been here more than once but I have never look deeper into the why of it. I am stuck there.

The only way to not fall into the same pattern is to figure out the whys, I cannot blame the men I have been with, because I make the choice to be with them, and to learn I need to take accountability not to put blame on others.

I am left to ponder, left to try to understand what it is, why is it that I do not trust my inner voice?

Maybe it has to do with my past, in my past before I met my girl’s dad; I never gave much to anybody. I had a philosophy, a way, I played the game... I did not stay with anyone for more than a one night stand and if it should of lasted longer.. I had a 1, 2,.3 strikes you’re out. I had fun confusing, it was quite amusing. I did try to be more to 2 guys, both failed miserably.

When I met my girl’s father he was not going to allow that of me, he was not going to give into my game. He took me for what I was... he adored me for who I was. I never had that before, I was befuddled, scared, mesmerized, I was in aww...and I was gotten, I was his... I became an addict; he was my drug of choice.

Then I got back into the dating game after many years of being out of it. I did not want to fall back into old habits; for old habits were fun, but unfulfilling. I tried to change it up, but unfamiliar with how it works. I am naive, new, I am like a teenager trying to figure it out for the first time, figure out how it works, what to expect, how to ask for what I want. So I try not knowing how to do it. then I fall victim to the same old story, I fall victim to the same old habits.

I suppose it is a learning game, I am a bit behind on the times...I shall be patient and hope I will get a better understanding of the how's and what’s.

  

         

 

Dating Up Date.

I don't know what I am doing here, I am drifting more and more away from this TTWD. Finding a Dom is not easy, nor practical. I am finding going that route, that there are more jerks just wanting one thing, and it is killing me inside; I have been there more than not and I am tired of it.

Being me gets me in to trouble, (especially my sexuality)  as I have said a million time before... men like bitches, and I don't want to be that...and,  I am tired of giving more of me than anyone truly deserves, my goodness has been nothing but a curse. Maybe though, just maybe I can find someone that is able to appreciate that about me.... and all my other silliness...and not take advantage of my sexuality or not run, as far as they can, as fast as they can...because I am something else (so I have been told more than once).  

This leads to the dating game of course, I have been talking to a few seemingly nice men... I consider nice to be someone who does not bring up sex with in the first few e-mails, Good god what am I coming into. And *claps hands* they are interested in me, getting to know me...getting to know me??? Wow! I know sex will come up...but at least when it does they already know more of me... I then do not become an object that is disposable. Also I am talking to older men (not super old, 8-12 year difference) I tend to have better luck that way, I have always dated older men for the fact that they appreciate women more. They are more secure, more accepting of who they are... no pretenses. Any time I have dated men close to my age (I have never dated younger) it has never been good, in any way.

So Friday I am meeting up with a substitute school teacher in the AM, we talked on the phone (no texting or endless e-mails, actual old school talking on the phone) for over an hour, just getting to know the little things about each other. It was nice, very nice. And in the evening I will be meeting an other gentlemen, he drives for a medical equipment company (I don't know why I am putting that out there lol). Both men live super close by which is very nice.

I am talking to an artist, and musician who also writes, both of course having day jobs. One is close to my age and no kids, which tends to be difficult... though I so do love the arts. The other has kids but also close to my age.

Poly guy, we are still talking but he and his wife are taking a step back from the scene. Which is a good thing, it gives him and I a chance to build a solid friendship;  both he and I agree that is the best angle if anything was to ever become of us. And it is nice to have a friend who understands me, even the deep dark scary parts and does not runaway. 

My subie and I had a date last week, and I have not heard from him since that day... though that is typical of him and through are conversation he warned me of that, so I is not worried. He is a very sweet man that does not look subbie at all... big Italian man, deep voice... assertive in his mannerisms.... this is way one should not judge a book by its cover. I was shocked but in a pleasant way... I have a thing for bigger men, not fat...just bigger, they are more lovable (kids father was, and my teddy bear as well) also I love hugs that I can feel.

Rebuilding.

I wrote my sexy date post, now I need to write my oh fuck what the hell am I doing, and why am I so fucking emotionell.

The past couple of weeks have been an emotionell roller coaster for me, I have been having crying out burst that have been stripping me of energy.

I don't know what I am doing, I am frighten  there is to much hurt inside me, I need to let down my guard but find every time I do I end up hurt and confused.  I want to be me but I find every time I am, I am misunderstood...put aside so easily because of me not wanting to hurt anyone, me wanting to make everyone happy even at the sacrifice of my own well being and I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to ask for help. I only know how to act as if nothing can hurt me, to put the nothing can touch me face on and it is taking its toll on me. I am falling, and fading, and don't know how to go about making me alright. I know I am the only who can take care of me, but it is getting harder to maintain... unless I shut down.

I don't want to take steps backwards, I want. I need to be soft... but life does not allow me that luxury and never has.

I always have had to be the strong one, I always have had to hold it together,  be the rock. And now I need a soft place to fall and there is no one around... so be it my life.

I am strong but even the strong need help, need somewhere soft... to feel safe, even the strong brake and need help to mend. But all I have is me, and I only know how to shut down, block everyone out...become cold and distant. Then I will become my mother. Bitter and resentful because she always had to be strong, never allowed to show weakness, neediness  never allowed to show she was soft and kind underneath the wall. I know she is, I have always long to see that side of her in full, not just a peek here and there. But I also understand why she has to be that way. And why I will be that way as well, why fight my destiny...it was set in stone long ago and now I must accept it for what it is.

So cold, hard, and distant I will have to build back up, or I will surly lose it. One can only be caring and soft for so long before the realization come to one that no one wants that of you. One can only give so much, before they deplete one of all one's self worth.

As much as I loved being submissive, to give. I realize that all I will ever be is that... nothing more, everyone I meet will take what they want and leave me empty and depleted of my being.... because that is what I do, I give.

 I will continue to date and enjoy myself, get out, have fun, I will continue to play the s/m aspect of  TTWD but I will not be anyone submissive, I will play bottom but nothing more. And my wall will build once again, it will get stronger and I will be impenetrable.

Here I Go ....Off, Off and Away

I am a bit happy, I met an older gentleman, a Dom...and he is from my area, which is nice to just be able to chat with someone who has been in this life style for a while, and even better someone from the area who might be able to point me in the right direction, and maybe give me a little guidance for I am in need of that for sure.

I have a date next weekend set up with Mr. Poly guy... I am looking forward to it, and slightly nervous  but I am always nervous when meeting some one, no matter how long I have known them, I still get nervous meeting up, one of the many weird little glitches.

I am having fun, and meeting so many fun and interesting men but I can't get the longing to submit out of my mind... no matter how many times I tell myself I will make a hell of a Domme... and possibly it may be my calling (no laughing) unfortunately  it does not take that longing away.

Yet I also know I need to have these experiences. I always love to learn but could never learn through books. I have to put my hands in it, need to feel it fully for myself to get the better understanding. I am a big believer in you can not judge anyone till you have walked a mile in their shoes. I have been blessed to have walked many miles in different shoes, and have many more shoes and many more miles to go. Each mile I have traveled I have had new revelations and a better understandings of other people, more empathy, and learn with each and every mile that many of my judgement were so misguided.

Here to learning, and many new adventures.....

Foolish Girl or Just Plain Fun?

I am a glutton for punishment...a true masochist in every sense,  I shake my head at myself and say girl why do  you do the things you do?...and after doing that I still do what I want.

I have been talking to a man who is in a poly relationship with his wife, *asks one self why* I think my love to experience all the craziness that life has to offer, or I am the biggest commitment phob out there, i will go with the latter.

And yes it has been more then consider, with a date being set up.

Oh me, oh my...all I can do is laugh at my foolishness, I so do embrace my foolishness with my foolish pride.

I am very excited to meet him, we have a lot in common. Both having a strong interest in art, we both love the same kind of music, he loves being out in nature, very honest, very fourth coming...we have both put a lot of are rubbish on the table, and both having an understanding of that rubbish. We both have a dark side, both are understanding and non judgemental. He is interested in exploring his more Dominate side,(this is something his wife has no interest in at all) and well, as a sub that naturally integers me. Now that aspect of him or I was not brought up till we decided to set up a date.

Also this kinda set up allows me to play Dom with the other guy I met...I am really thinking it could be lots of fun.

I feel good about both, but I will only know with meeting up and time.

This shall be fun, if not fun it shall be interesting.