Rebuilding.

I wrote my sexy date post, now I need to write my oh fuck what the hell am I doing, and why am I so fucking emotionell.

The past couple of weeks have been an emotionell roller coaster for me, I have been having crying out burst that have been stripping me of energy.

I don't know what I am doing, I am frighten  there is to much hurt inside me, I need to let down my guard but find every time I do I end up hurt and confused.  I want to be me but I find every time I am, I am misunderstood...put aside so easily because of me not wanting to hurt anyone, me wanting to make everyone happy even at the sacrifice of my own well being and I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to ask for help. I only know how to act as if nothing can hurt me, to put the nothing can touch me face on and it is taking its toll on me. I am falling, and fading, and don't know how to go about making me alright. I know I am the only who can take care of me, but it is getting harder to maintain... unless I shut down.

I don't want to take steps backwards, I want. I need to be soft... but life does not allow me that luxury and never has.

I always have had to be the strong one, I always have had to hold it together,  be the rock. And now I need a soft place to fall and there is no one around... so be it my life.

I am strong but even the strong need help, need somewhere soft... to feel safe, even the strong brake and need help to mend. But all I have is me, and I only know how to shut down, block everyone out...become cold and distant. Then I will become my mother. Bitter and resentful because she always had to be strong, never allowed to show weakness, neediness  never allowed to show she was soft and kind underneath the wall. I know she is, I have always long to see that side of her in full, not just a peek here and there. But I also understand why she has to be that way. And why I will be that way as well, why fight my destiny...it was set in stone long ago and now I must accept it for what it is.

So cold, hard, and distant I will have to build back up, or I will surly lose it. One can only be caring and soft for so long before the realization come to one that no one wants that of you. One can only give so much, before they deplete one of all one's self worth.

As much as I loved being submissive, to give. I realize that all I will ever be is that... nothing more, everyone I meet will take what they want and leave me empty and depleted of my being.... because that is what I do, I give.

 I will continue to date and enjoy myself, get out, have fun, I will continue to play the s/m aspect of  TTWD but I will not be anyone submissive, I will play bottom but nothing more. And my wall will build once again, it will get stronger and I will be impenetrable.

I Will Probably Piss People Off With This Post.

I was thinking of writing a post on slavery for a while, just because I have heard horror story's runny about the web. So called "doms" saying if I own you I can do anything as I please. Women abandoning their children, or worse. Working their ass off just to give it to a selfish abusing so called "dom". Prostituting for their so called "dom"...their "dom "taking away their self worth. Throwing them on the floor out of know where and choking them and when the slave acts as we all would act if one were being choked out of nowhere, we all would flee or fight it is a nature human reaction. And the so called "dom" says, you are no slave you don't trust me, and or you won't do what ever I ask for because you belong to me, so there for your life is mine.

Mind you before anyone starts to yell at me, I do realize that a true "Dom" would not do any of said above, a true "Dom" would respects his slaves hard limits, a good "Dom" would not put his slave in a position where she would feel she had to flee. I do understand that, I do...but the young women coming out don't, all they here is slave, and how much better a slave is then a sub. So then a predator sees that young doe like being...and traps her in his web...and takes her where no other sub has gone before. That makes me sad, and brings tears to my eyes. No human being should ever, ever feel that way...just to be called a slave.

I am not putting down all the healthy slave/Master relationships out there, many of the blogs I read do adhere to the Master/slave relationship...many of the women are in marriages and have started off with a good foundation. Many have educated themselves in what it is, and have talked to their Master thoroughly and their Masters respects them, and love them with out condition, that I do understand and say more power to you. And happy that one can find such an intense loving relationship.

 I just don't like the glorification of the word, I don't like the fact that to be a slave makes you better...not for any other reason then for the young naive women that come into this life style blindly, and end up living a life of misery and hell.

When I was with Sir, he did mention heading down that path and it did excite me. But I did get lost in the thoughts of the "what ifs"...there are things that are mine and mine alone...kids mine, mine, mine. House mine, mine, mine. My financial means, mine, mine, mine...my pets which I would never get rid of for anyone...mine mine mine.... my soul, my being, my essence, mineminemine... sounding a bit selfish here, I suppose I am.

Now giving of myself...I would love, taking care of, making Dom happy, I would love, being there, I would love...giving my body for him to use, it is his. But the rest is mine.

I would make a lousy slave...but I am an excellent sub, I think

And maybe my mind will change, maybe I misunderstood the word or the word is abused by the abusers and that scares me...because I am the type that takes things literally.