On My Way Getting My Grove Back

I did it, I am back in the dating game....

I am going to make it fun... for now, I love to flirt, and love meeting new people. So hopefully this will put me in the up and up, take me out of my funk... and get my grove back.

I so utterly need my grove back...need a little ego feed, (we all need a little ego feed from time to time)

Also I will be able to write about more interesting stuff. I am getting bored with me, and that is never good when one gets bored with ones self.

A hunting I will go... do dawww, do dayyy

Yep...my head is in the gutter lol

Me and My But's

I am in a funk

I hate being in a funk, I am no fun, I am cynical, I am more unmotivated than usually (did not think it was possible, but yet it is) and worse Yet!! I am becoming my mom.

So how does one deal with this??

Well I tried my go to method of just avoiding this funk, in hopes it will just go away.
But that did not work out so well.

Tried getting out, that  help a little...but yet still the feeling remains.

Tried to make myself all pretty, but that only made more work for me.

Tried being positive, but positive is so hard to do when one is cynical.

Sarcasm, sarcasm was good for a minute or two but then I end up pissing people off, and well that is never a good feeling. Also it kinda sorta pushes people away. But is fun at the time... quick fix with a down side.

I could drink and get drunk, but I am not found of the feeling, brings back to many not so good memories.

Tried watching funny shows but I became bored and the shows became uninteresting.

Of course my imps put a smile on my face but when you are in a funk that is not enough.

Oh!! holy hell... I am just one big BUT!!!

When One Becomes Two and A Pity party Brews.

I seem to be growing far away from this, far away from what is to be submissive. I lost my footing and don't know how to get it back into place.

I am far away from myself and needing to regain some sort of balance in my life... I need to be master and slave...mother and father, I need to dominate  and submits, and  at times playing the  two rolls can be daunting, can be overwhelming and incredibly trying.

I am two people all stuffed in one body, each trying to get out, trying to figure how to do this, how to make this work.

If I could split myself into two, then just maybe I could make a balance but that is physically impossible. So I am searching for another way to go about it, and well that is not so easy...I feel it should, and I try... but I seem to fail and get caught up in being the perfect two when I am only one.

I feel myself becoming bitter, and quite frankly pissy at the world for no good reason, other then the fact that I can.

I make excuses, get frustrated at myself, then I shut down...and well, that is never good. But at least I feel it coming on and maybe can get a hold of it before it gets a hold of me.

OK... I think I am done with this pity party I have thrown for myself...

Master says "get working girl."

"Yes Sir!"

Must obey....

Oh hell, I might be going crazy, I am answering back to ones self.

The Want of Needing More.

Finding pleasure in pain

pain in the pleasure

Moving away

no need to embrace

One quick tug, one quick taste

Gone with the sleight of hand

the sleight of grace

The fear is there

it is near...

Feeling the uncertainty, it is so unclear

Quick and sharp

stinging and throbbing

So much pain, yet pleasure

So much pleasure, yet pain

Going and gone

longing for more

Then without warning

a sting, sharp and throbbing

each lash becoming longer and stronger

Wanting and craving

Needing and bagging

Stop, go, stay, get away, comeback

Sure and needy, wanting more

Begging and pleading, needing more

Sleight of hand

Sleight of grace

Quick and sharp was replaced

Standing still, knelling, crawling

gazing glassy eyes

wondering why

Here than gone

than back again, kneeling, pleading and bagging for more.    

I Had A Aha!! Moment With a Little Help.

I read such an insightful post on Jumping On In:  it made me think...and gave me a better understanding of my struggles with being submissive. Allowing me to see what it is to be submissive in a whole new light; the acceptance and growth in which it takes with the struggles that come along with not having the guidance of a good Dominant.

I think I question myself way to much, instead of accepting it for what is. I also forget that to be submissive you need someone to submit to. So of course I feel less submissive, of course I feel as if I am losing what I just found in myself. For I have just recently accepted my submissive, just recently learned to embraced what has been locked up for so long.

But for it to flourish and grow I need to feel the control...need to give in, to give too. Yet  none is  there at this time and I suppose I have to regress, I have to because it takes two to make  TTWD work.

I am a learning, and everyday come to a new understanding a new knowledge and am  so grateful for all the bloggers that give so much insight. For a newbie it is very comforting. 

Feeling A Bit Grateful Today...and Slightly Random

I am so very happy that I was talked into doing this blog, or told... ether which way I am happy with the out come.

It originated  for Sir to get to know me better, as I communicate  better with the written word more so then the spoken word.

As we parted ways, I thought of ending it... I mean really what could I add, what could I learn if I am not truly participating in the life style.

Well I was wrong, I keep on learning, I keep on getting a deeper understanding of what TTWD mean to so many. And along the way I have gotten a better understanding of myself.

I had no idea when I started this journey that I would end up here.

I had no idea how much more I could grow as a person.

It is odd... the feeling is odd, surreal maybe... knowing that there are many other out there that struggle with similar things as I. How long I have felt alone, lost in my own thoughts... wondering what was wrong with me, wondering why I feel the way I do. And then to know I am not alone has been quite comforting. To know that I can find happiness in what I seek, what I want, and what I need to be content with the true  me.

As I grow, as I discover, as I get a better understanding of all that is.... and accept all that is not. I will continue to write, I will continue to learn... and most of all I will keep an open mind to the new, and unique ways of being.

 It is amazing what one can learn with an open mind. I am lucky to have been lead in this direction .. and grateful for the nudges here and there to keep me going. I am grateful for all that share their deepest inner thoughts, for all the words put down on a blank page... to fill it up with color, and wonder, to fill it with new questions to ponder. And the lovely knowledge to know as soon as I think I got it... a new question will come along to challenge a old thought.