Another Boring Post.

My head is here, there and everywhere, I guess that is really nothing new though.

There is still a lot of confusion with J, he is in a very indecisive state of mind, which leaves me to worry as where we stand. I am up and down in confusion, hurt, and feeling as if I am on the outside looking in. Though I know that is not his intentions. I do know that he cares, and I also realize that he is very torn. I wish that I could help him but any help I could give would just hinder his thought process. I know that he needs to be sure of what it is he wants in his life. If it be his ex, or I.

I am taking this time to really sort out my feelings, my wants, and needs. I came to the conclusion if this relationship does not play out in my favor, that I am going to look for a more meaningful relationship, one that builds over time, and is not based on sex. I now know I need that kind of stability in my life. I do realize that nothing is a guarantee but if I go in it with those expectations the  probability of what I want and need will become true.

And I must say I am so prepared for a break up, I think I have played every possible scenario in my head. I just need to write out the script.

I have also thought about my submissive and where she will fit in my life. I may need to shove her down for a while, till I establish something more meaningful. I can't go on living in a porn, and that is what it sometimes feels like, just without the pay check. The pay check would be nice.

This is where I am at, very boring, but necessary.  

Breast

 

In honor of breast everywhere  

Needing to Take a Few Steps back.

J is going through some hard times, with tragedies, family issues and the hitting of the metaphorical wall head on.  I know he needs time to recover, reflect, come to terms with some major life decision that he has put off and has effect his love ones more than he knew.

I feel helpless, he needs space, and he needs time. It has been hard for me, so much negative thoughts running through my mind. Though I do know it is not about me, but about him. But at times that seems to give me little comfort, my emotions take over, and I cry and cry till I think I can't cry no more.

My heart hurts for him, and I wish somehow I could absorb some of his pain, hurt and confusion to make it a little easier for him, but I am only left to stand on the side lines just hoping he will find some peace and solace in his time of great reflection.   

 I am becoming calmer; I know that whatever happens will be the best for both. But tomorrow can bring a host of new feelings. The hardest part for me right now is the not knowing. I realize that he is going through so much in his life, and I need to put my feeling of fear to the side, take it as it comes.

I have offered my shoulder for him to cry on, and my ear to listen. Now I guess I need to just stand back and be there for him when he is ready. I need to understand he may never be ready to share with me, and try to prepare myself mentally, and emotionally for a pending goodbye.

Right now I am trying to take the time to reflect on what I want in a relationship, be it him or someone else. Also I am trying to figure out what I am truly feeling with him, is it infatuation, lust, or a combo of both? Or is it more? I want to be true, true to him and true to myself. We both deserve that.

I do miss him madly, I miss him, and I am so afraid of losing him. But I wonder if my fear is of rejection or that I care so much I can't bear the thought of never being in his arms again? I need to know where my emotions are coming from. I need to be true to him, I need to be true to myself. I need to know that this relationship can grow, and the only way it can grow is to know what I am truly feeling. 

Just Need A Space to Sort Out My Thoughts.

I don't know where to go, I don't know who to turn to, I am without reason. I try to be supportive, I try to show I care by letting him be, giving him space, but I feel as if I am being held by a very thin string. keep me hangin on. And once his thoughts are clear, and he can take a deep breath and see some light at the end of the tunnel, I will be cut free with ease.

I am being pushed away, and I don't understand what is going on, I am out of the loop, a dog put out in the rain, trying to peer in to see what is going on but the curtains are closed.

What do I do?

He is so vague with me, telling me he will tell me soon, but I don't know how soon is soon. He says next email but the next email is a simple saying, no form to give me any understanding.

I am confused, I am going up and down with should I ask him, or should I wait till he is ready, and feels more comfortable telling me?

Why do I feel so insignificant, as if I am just meaningless? Just pinch in time, a moment wasted, here yet not here at all.

I hate feeling this way, I am so torn as to what to do.

I truly do not want to push him, I don't want to bother him when there is so much going on in his life. I want to be supportive but how can I be supportive when I do not even know what is going on? And is it that he does not trust to tell me? Or is it simply that I am overthinking it, putting too much thought into the simple fact that he just needs space, and time to get it all together?

Should I stay silent as I have or should I inquirer, should I pry?

Feel better now, thank you blog for listening to my non sense once again.

Now the decision to make a pot of coffee and stay up till kids have to go to school or try to salvage a few hours of sleep. What to do, what to do.....

Tis safe to say I am truly an overthinker.

Pushing Down The Woman Inside.

I hate feeling needy, but I need to be needy

I hate to be controlled, but I need to be controlled

I need to answer to someone else, and I hate admitting that

it makes my tummy turn inside.

I want to give, I want to be needed and wanted

I need to give

I need to give of myself to someone else

I don't know why

I want to feel small, if just for a moment

I want to feel humility

I am tired of my cocky pride

I am tired of always needing to be right

I don't want to be submissive

I don't want to be the pleaser

the needing to make everyone happy

but I am just that.

I need to be submissive

I need to please

I need to make everyone happy

but society says that makes one weak

I hate feeling that I must be what I am not

I hope one day I can accept what I am

I hope one day I can be who I am

I hope one day I can find one to accept me for me.

I am tired of pretending I am something that I am not

I want to be me, I want to be free

I need to be me

I want to accept and love the fact that I am a submissive woman

Kind of Lost

I don't seem to know what to write here anymore.

I think I have said all I could say.

It seems late at night, I awake and I think of all the stuff I do have to say, but when dawn breaks I know longer remember the struggles of  the night.

All I have in me is a ramble, a jumbled thoughts

There is still so much to learn, but today I feel I know it all. Yet night will come and remind me that I know nothing at all.

D/s, s/m...I am caught between wanting, and not wanting. I do not know who I am anymore. I thought I did, but lately I have been feeling unsure.

I may need time for reflection. Better yet, I need time for reflection. No need for "may".

 I have been going back and forth with how much control I want to give to another, I do think I know what I want but it is something that is not being offered to me at this time. Then I think maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want to be left to just me...as always it seems to be.

Maybe when tomorrow comes I will know better of what I want, but that is highly unlikely. Knowing me, I will just complicate all that is in my mind even more.