Delete or Not to Delete.....That is the Qustion.

I came here to delete this blog, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

Sooo....I guess I will hold on a bit longer, and maybe soon one day I will find the time, have words to wright to keep up and unwind.

I have much to say, just lost the will to put it into words, or maybe more honestly I have just given up.... To afraid to be vulnerable and let myself free even behind a screen, hidden just a stranger in the vast land called the inter web.

Caring Without Hope.

Writing has been difficult for me. I want to write down my thoughts and feelings, I want to be able to let go, say what I feel....be vulnerable in  a safe place but every time I get to that point something unseen holds me back.  

Today I am just going to type whatever comes to mind, whether it makes sense or does not or even if it is coherent.

I am in a relationship that is stunted and always will be. I hold on to hope but now I am realizing that there is no hope, and there is no point in holding on to something without any hope, but yet I am finding it so hard to let go. I care, I love deeply but no matter how much I love it does not mean that the other cares as I do; not saying that the other does not care, just that he does not care as I do.

Things become one sided, and things become misunderstood, and I find it hard to find words to express my feeling without feeling I am overstepping my boundaries. I make it all way too difficult. I should just let go, move on and be done with it. I should but I am not.

So many questions entering in and out of my mind, I find so little answers, just more confusion, and with the confusions leads to me feeling hurt. It is not his fault but fault of my own. If I just let go I could move forward and find something more fulfilling, someone more wanting of me, wanting as I want him. But I have worked hard to get to a point of trusting him, I worked hard to learn about him, and when we are together lying in bed, wrapped around each other, it becomes effortless. We become one entangled into the other, and that is hard to find. So I hold on, even without hope, I hold on just for that moment of oneness.

I suppose slowly I will get to the point of not caring, I guess I am just hoping I will get to the point of not caring. I don't want to care, but yet I do....too much.

A Long Time

How long can one go through writers block? lol

I am still here, still battling with submission; still fighting the demons in my head...I just cannot seem to write my thoughts down, As soon as I get to the page to write my mind draws a blank.

So much has gone on, so much sorting needs to be done and this blog has been a good source for sorting, but my thoughts are so jumbled that the sorting seems almost impossible for me to do.

I know at times just winging it has been helpful....

Thinking now, sorting now...I just may be afraid of letting it all out. It is easier to shove it all down, easier to ignore than to face my feelings head on.

I cannot even complete a paragraph lol

I think I will push myself to write, even if it is just a bunch of nonsense (that is more nonsense than the usual).

One Painted Ass, Instead of a Story.

 I want to write about my time with Sir Jay, but it seems I am unable to form anything more than a sentence; so I will show my nicely painted ass instead....a picture is worth a thousand words, Right?

I was shocked with how vivid it was days after...that I just had to show him, and anyone who looks at this blog. I am sickly proud of how much pain I can take at times, I am a strange one indeed.

Stroking My Ego

Photo by Anna May

I am not one to show off body, I am not one to boost my own ego.....but I am very proud of the way I look in this photo, and even prouder of myself photography skills.

So here is to me stroking my ego :) and getting me out of my comfort zone.

Pressing publish now.......

Here I go....

Published

Not Quite the Same.

Finally spring has arrived!

Kink has been a bit on the light side. The last time we went really intense and dark was in March. We were going to try a couple of weeks ago but my head was in a bad place so we decided to go lighter. We have been really soft on the S/M aspect; the last time my ass got a good beating was in March. There was a light ass beating a week or so ago, and I was a big wimp with it, I could not believe how little I could take before I was calling yellow and my yellow quickly became a red.

I am wondering if I am just bored with it and unable to get into that headspace, or simply I just need a break.

I am so new at this that I don't really know what to expect in the long run. I don't know if it will become a passing phase, or it ebbs and flows, in out and in again.

My sex drives seems to be taking a hit as well, as of late I have been more into the cuddles, and sweet kisses then the actual sex part....I mean I still get horny, and my fantasies are as vivid as ever, it just is not the same, it is odd for me. I still give it my all when I am with him; it just is my head is not in the same place as it was before.

It could be because I have been with Jay for almost a year now, and we are in the comfort zone. It is nice to be in a comfort zone, but at the same time I feel sort of lost. I am not familiar with this zone, it has been a while.

I do miss the super kinky sex....the like all the time kind, where it last all day and I walk out with a very well beaten ass. My throat sore from sucking and licking and taken him down as deep his cock will go. I mean we still kind of do that but not with the same undertone...I don't know, it just is different, not like it was.

I fear this is the end of the thrill, and I really, really like the thrill, then I start to think maybe it is the beginning of something new and more spectacular.

I am out of my comfort zone here and I don't know how to react, or what to do, or how I should feel.....ughh....