All is Going Well.

Busy, hot summer.

I have been with J for over a month now, we have fallen into a nice pattern. I am feeling more secure with the consistency of the relationship. I am trying to not let my over active spinning mind get the best of me, and just enjoying what I have in the present.

We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday, and had a fantastic time.

Are dynamic tends to fall into a soft, hard...easy, intense pattern. We suit each other well, very complementary, his Dom/sadistic to my sub/masochistic. Though at times I find I can not handle as much pain with him as I did in previous relationships, and this has me baffled. I am always bordering on yellow, and even calling out red, this is unlike me. Then after all is said and done, I wish I would've taken more. But in the moment I can't seem to bear it...it could be that he likes to hit every most painful spot he can find on me, it could be that he is quite relentless, and his hand never seems to get tired. It could be that every time I get comfortable and am at the brink of escaping he brings me back, going harder and repetitive in the same spot but not long enough to make that spot numb.

Well I ask for a sadistic sadist (I know you can't get anymore sadistic than that of a sadist) and that is what I got. I am not complaining I love that he is as fierce and as unforgiving as he is, I would be more disappointed if he bent to me, and gave into my every small whimper.  

I have learned not to challenge him, unless I can take the challenge. He will indeed show me, and will do with little to no mercy. He is quite cocky, I usually do not like cocky but he wears it well...just enough humbleness to get away with it.

To top it off, he is incredibly kind, caring and loving. His tenderness is just as intense as his fierceness. He adores my snaky side as much as my loving side, it is nice that I am
able to show him more depth than I have with any other in a long time.

It is nice to have finally found some consistency, I feel very fortunate  to have found him, though I did not think I would find it on fet, but stranger things have happened.

Boom!!! and I am Still Here.

  Boom! Boom, Boom, Boom!!! Can't say the fourth is one of my favorite holidays, I find it all quite annoying but I think is safe to say I am finding everything quite annoying as of late.

I've been thinking, and well, thinking leads to more thinking, and I think I over thought almost every thought. Conclusion is this.

I don't want to do this anymore, I am bored, and it is becoming the same thing but with different men and the thrill has run its course. I think I want to jump out of an air-o-plane, I want to climb rocks, go on a long hike that takes all day, maybe even into the night, go out west, see the big sequoias, maybe a trip to Yellowstone, Yosemite....so much to see, but NO!! I am stuck in this box, this little bitty box that is getting smaller every day. This is not how I thought life would be when I was a little girl fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult. No, no...This is all wrong.

My plans were to have my family, buy a VW van, you know like the ones from the 60s, and travel from state to state, maybe make it up to Canada even if I dare venture all the way to Alaska. How would one found this journey? I would become a mad, passionate artist, and of course sell them on my journey, that would do, we would not need too much, just food, gas, clothes.... my children would live free, we would not be bound by anything...no tether to hold us in one place for too long. We would go wherever the road would lead, and if the road would come to an end, well I guess we would make our own road. 

Far Fetched...as dreams always are, one grows, reality strakes,  living in same old town, with the same old faces year after year, yearning to be anywhere but there. One searches for freedom, and ends up lost and lonely, finding only strange faces, and people who say they are a friend but they are not, and by the time one realizes it, it's too late. Oh, then there is love, how foolish love is...good god, love makes you as stupid as they come. And then the box is all around you, it is big at first, you can move around pretty freely...you get comfortable, you feel safe, but that is just a false sense of security, it temporary.

Boom! Boom, Boom, Boom!!! Life comes crashing down, all dreams diminish, and the box is getting smaller.

Time is moving faster; one is tethered, and bound...No VW van to ride cross country and beyond. Nope! Same old faces, same old town, a house with four walls, with rooms that have four wall to, boxes, boxes and more boxes to live in each and every day, and the box gets smaller, and tighter... till one cannot breath any more.

I want to jump out of air-o-plane, I want to climb rocks, go on long hike that last all day, maybe even into the night, go out west, see the big sequoias, maybe a trip to Yellowstone, Yosemite, I want to leave this box, but I am bound and tethered by my own poor choices.  

  

Time

Time seems to move slow in grief, but fast in happiness...how funny is time?

I tried to break up with my new Dom (I will call him J), luckily it did not work. He took it upon his self to  ask questions as to why I felt the way I did, and I am happy he did.

Why? So many reasons why.I am afraid of getting hurt, knowing that my feeling for him are deepening, afraid he feels the same and that means thing may change, and change is scary. I don't know how to be with someone other than my girls. I have been doing it myself forever, even when my girls father was alive. I only know how to do it my way, I have never had to compromise. It has always been my girls and I, we are a strong unit, we need to be. The thought of anything threatening that scares me. And what scares me even more is the thought of inviting someone into our lives and having them walk away, well that is unbearable. I do know my childrens father did not walk out of our lives, he made bad choices, and he paid dearly for them but we did as well, and it is hard not to feel that he did indeed abounded us...and it sucks because I can't tell him so.

This is a bad time of year for me, it always sneaks up...always, just like the day he died. I am left with memories, some good, some bad, they flash before me...emotions come creeping in, and at first I don't realize why. Then I see myself regressing, going back, trying to make something out of nothing so I have a reason to cry, because I am not allowed to cry. Eight years have already gone by; it is time to toughen up, time to let go, but truth is I never will. And he understands, and he is not afraid of my emotion, he understands that love does not die, just because one is not alive.

I am afraid, he seems to really care, but I fear it might just be lust. Lust is fleeting, it is only a moment in time. I have been there enough, I have seen it, I have felt how it feels for one to put so much energy into you then the energy fades, lust burns out quickly and ignites too easily...it is too intense too fast, too much and I wear my heart on my sleeve.    

Once again overrun by my emotions, I suppose I should just accept it for what it is, it is a part of me just like my submissive. It is just who I am.

Candlebox "Far Behind"  is the best way to describe what it is to lose someone due to drug overdose, at least for me.